SciFriday

If the movie "Finding Nemo" had been based on reality, it would have been way different.

We all know that Great White Sharks don't hang out with Hammerheads and form Fishaholics Anonymous meetings in sunken WWII submarines. We all know that fish can't read. We all know that a clownfish would last about 10 minutes if it ventured away from a reef - not purely because of predation, but also temperature. The scene where Marlin and Dory dive into that chasm? They would have frozen to death or been crushed by the pressure before finding that mask.

We all know that stuff above, but we don't care. It's a Disney movie. Talking pelicans? Sure! They're entertaining! We expect talking empathetic animals in Disney movies. In fact, a Disney movie without talking animals or inanimate objects is bullshit. So what's my beef with Finding Nemo?

Clownfish.

At the beginning of the movie, we are soothed by a tranquil scene of a big pink sea anemone perched on the edge of a reef. Two clownfish are hanging out in this anemone.

Coral and Marlin

Presumably, Marlin is the daddy, and Coral is the mommy. They have a big bunch of eggs hidden in a little cave below the sea anemone. When asked about what to name their babies, Marlin replies, "We'll call this half Marlin Jr, and this half Coral Jr."

No you won't, Marlin. There will be no Coral Jrs. All of your babies are going to be boys.

All clownfish are born male. 100%. There are no baby girl clownfish. Sorry. In fact, most clownfish are male. Generally, the only female clownfish are the ones that are in charge of their anemone.

It's depicted in popular culture that an anemone is a house for one clownfish, or a little family of clownfish. This isn't exactly true. Depending upon the size of an anemone, it can house several clownfish. A group of clownfish living on a single anemone is kind of like a pack of wolves: there are a bunch of underlings, and one breeding alpha pair. But unlike wolves, the critter in charge of a clownfish group is a big bitchy female.

With Marlin and Coral, Coral would have been the fish in charge. She would have been bigger than Marlin, and he would have been her bitch. They would have had several other male clownfish living with them, but they would have all been considered juveniles; that is, they wouldn't be eligible for mating. And they all would have bowed down every time Coral swam by.

SPOILER ALERT

Coral dies. She gets eaten by a barracuda. And apparently, the barracuda has figured out how to suck eggs out of a tiny cave, because the barracuda eats all but one of the eggs. So when Marlin wakes up (the barracuda punched him out), he discovers that he is all alone in the world, except for this one egg.

In reality, something like this could conceivably happen. If we want to be really accurate, we'll still say there are other males living on the anemone with Coral and Marlin. After Coral dies, the group of clownfish is leaderless. Also, it's a total sausage fest.

OK, so Coral is dead. Marlin and the other male clownfish are all like, "Oh shit! She's dead!" But they're not freaking out too much. And here's why: Marlin, being the highest-ranking male, is just going to turn into a female. It's gender reassignment surgery, only without the surgery. He's just going to spontaneously grow a vagina.

So now Marlin is Marlinette. He's all sexy and womanly and he needs a mate. One of the lower-ranking males will step up to the challenge, grow some balls (literally), and become the new mating male.

So in Finding Nemo, Marlin(ette) wouldn't be a single parent. He would be a mommy, and while Nemo's real mommy would be dead, he would still have a daddy. Two daddies. Two mommies? Now I'm confused.

Oh yeah, and by the time Nemo was old enough to go to fish school, Marlinette would have kicked his freeloading gimpy ass to the curb. Since all of the males in the anemone are potentially mates for Marlinette, she wouldn't want one of her own offspring sticking around. Inbreeding is gross.

Paddle faster!