Good, Get Off My Planet

So, normally I don't overtly ridicule the religious beliefs of others. I'm fairly tolerant of most things, and I believe that if you're doing something that doesn't hurt anyone else, then it's none of my business whether you do it or not. I expect, but don't often receive, the same courtesy from others.

That said, this topic is just too ridiculous not to make fun of. And I'm not afraid to say this: if you believe that this is true, you're a gullible chump and you probably need to be on medication. If you are Christian and you think Harold Camping is one crazy bitch, then none of this rant is directed at you in any way, shape, or form.


I was driving home from school one night last semester, and I passed a billboard. It was one of those billboards that changes advertisements every minute or so, cycling through probably about 10 different advertisements. Normally the advertisements are just regular old billboard junk, but one night, I saw this:

Intrigued, I Googled "May 21st return of christ" when I got home, and I discovered an inexplicably large number of websites dedicated to this crackpot idea.

Ladies and gentlemen, the Rapture is coming!

Only, it's not.

Harold Camping is the 857-year-old dude responsible for this dumbassery.

OK, he's only 89.

People are going to listen to this guy? Seriously? He looks like a scarecrow wearing a Shar Pei costume.

Here's a little history on Mr. Doomsday.

He's older than shit.

He's a civil engineer.

He's studied the Bible, like, a lot.

He thinks Matthew was full of doodie patoodie.

He predicted this end-of-the-world thing before (September 6th, 1994). Surprise! He was wrong about that one, too.

The year 1994 AD was supposed to be the Rapture, but it wasn't. Upon not being sucked up to Heaven, Camping decided that his math was off and that he needed a new calculator to study the Bible more. Upon studying the Bible more (and double-checking his math this time), he has determined that May 21st 2011 at 6 pm is the Rapture. For reals this time, guys.

Apparently, the date of the flood that Noah became famous for surviving occurred EXACTLY 7,000 years before May 21st, 2011. Why is 7,000 a signifiant number of years? Something about Noah and 7 days and 40 nights and one day with the Lord is the same as 1,000 years. Blah blah blah.

Camping also says that there are signs of the Apocalypse that declare without a shadow of a doubt that the end of times approacheth!

1. False Prophets - old news, dude. False prophets have been around since the idea of a prophet was invented.
2. Wars and Rumors of Wars - also not a new thing. When the first tribe of cavemen encountered the second tribe of cavemen, a war happened, and have been happening ever since.
3. Famines - are you seeing a pattern here? Shit that has been happening for centuries is now all of a sudden indicating impending doom? RAWNG. The claim here is that while famine is nothing new, this is the first time it's affecting the United States. I think Harold Camping needs to stop reading the Bible for just a moment and pick up a fucking US History book.
4. Earthquakes - yawn. Has happened before. Will happen more. NEXT.
5. Persecutions and Tortures of the Elect - "Elect" here refers to true believers in Christ, and then this crazy asshole goes on to say that the trials of priests regarding child molestation is an example of this. At first, I thought he meant that priests molesting children was a sign of end times, but then I reread the sentence, and they're saying that persecuting child molesters is a sign of end times. Sorry, Bible-thumpers, but if God approves of pedophilia, then I don't want to be involved in whatever sick show Heaven is going to end up being.
6. Lawlessness - killing Osama bin Laden was another step toward Doomsday, so says the people over at Crazychristiansburg. Um, no, it wasn't. ObL was a crazy piece of shit terrorist motherfucker who wouldn't have hesitated one tiny bit to blow every single one of Camping's followers up. He was a rabid dog that needed to be taken down, and the world is a better place without him. If I believed in hell, I'd find pleasure imagining that his eternal punishment would be to endure sodomy while being force-fed hot dogs and listening to the American National Anthem as sung by William Hung.

According to Camping, May 22nd is going to suck balls. There will be massive earthquakes, followed by 153 days of pure hell, and then on October 21st, everyone who didn't get Raptured on May 21st, will be pulled down to real hell and the eternal damnation will begin!

I'm not Christian; I think that's kind of obvious. I don't have anything against Christianity in general, though, just like I don't have anything against Islam or Judaism or Buddhism or any other religion. I just don't adhere to their tenets. I'm more familiar with Christianity than I am any of those other religions simply because I live in America and most of the people I come into contact with on a regular basis are Christians (or agnostics). I've had Bible verses flung at me, but never any Koran verses. When this whole May 21st Rapture thing started to emerge, I remembered something that was in one of those verses that was flung at me. Something like "no one knows when Jesus will come back. Not even Jesus!"

It's Matthew. Matthew said that. Thief in the night, and all that jazz. So, Camping, even the Bible disagrees with you.

I said earlier that I don't care about what other people do unless it hurts someone else, and I meant that. So why am I so mad at Harold Camping? Well, because he's convinced a lot of people that the world will end on May 21st, so none of them are planning for May 22nd. They've quit their jobs. They've given away all their stuff. They've abandoned their homes and families. They've ruined their marriages. And when 6pm rolls around on May 21st and no one got Raptured, they're all going to be fucked. And it's all going to be Harold Camping's fault.

On a less-angry note, how hilarious would it be to not answer your phone or anything on May 21st at 6pm, just to freak everyone out and have them all thinking you were Raptured?