Momaganda

One of my most favoritest blogs is STFUParents. Even though I'm a parent, this site is still full of endless fun at the expense of total bitches who think their stupid smelly child is the center of the universe. For those of us parents who are grounded in reality, the site is refreshingly bitchy.

Today, I want to go on a frothing rant about one topic that always seems to pop up on STFUP: stay-at-home-moms (SAHMs) who think their job is just as hard as having a "real job."

Taken from mommyish.com, which is kind
of STFUParents' sister site.

That's just an example of the dozens of screenshots they have of this type of conversation.

May I say, first and foremost, being a SAHM is the easiest job I have ever had. In. My. Life. That includes the time when I was Favrein' 14 and I bagged groceries after school at Publix.

Being the stay-at-home-mother of a 16-month-old child goes something like this: 

wake up at some point in the morning (usually around 8, but today we didn't get up until 10:30), 

make the baby breakfast (oatmeal, eggs, leftover cake from my birthday, something like that), 

change her diaper, 

let her run rampant through the living room, 

put on music and have a dance party, 

put on Finding Nemo so I can do homework, 

put the baby down for a nap and do more homework, 

go out and play in the snow/at the park, 

go grocery shopping... 

are you asleep yet?

My point is, it's not hard. Not even close. In fact, it's very easy. The worst part about being a SAHM is the boredom and having to watch the same movie NINE HUNDRED TIMES IN A ROW.

I've started to root for the jellyfish.

My personal opinion on the moms who lament about how hard it is to be a SAHM falls under one of the following categories:

1. She has a mentally- or physically-challenged child and her day is legitimately hard. I harbor these women no ill will and would genuinely offer support to them.
2. She hates being a mother and just wants to go back to work, and she needs to trumpet how hard her life is so she feels better about sitting on her ass all day.
3. She's a dipshit who really does think it's hard, but then again, she also thinks cooking spaghetti is hard. Her kids will grow up to be the ones who sniff glue in the back of kindergarten.
4. She's simply a horrific bitch. She wants the handicapped person taking up the "family bathroom stall" (also known as the handicapped stall) to FUCKING DIE, and she once yelled at an ambulance crew for making too much noise while Little Timmy was taking a nap.

Now, I'm not saying the act of raising children isn't important. No, no. Something can be important and also be easy, which is exactly the case with childrearing. It's important to raise decent, kind, non-douchebag children. That groundwork is laid very early in life, so by the time parenting actually gets hard (teenagers), they're already essentially the person they're going to be when they become an adult. If you've been a douchetard their entire life, and then when they're 16 you decide to be a good parent, not a whole lot of good will be done. Sorry. So, while parenting isn't hard, it is important and should be approached with an attitude that reflects that.

Now, I'm going to eat cookies for breakfast and put on Finding Nemo for Camille so I can read articles on Cracked.com without interference.

Vacuum Humor

/begin rant

Years ago, I heard a comedian make a joke about vacuuming. It went a little something like this:

"Have you ever seen someone vacuuming, and they'll run the vacuum over something on the floor that is like stuck to the carpet or something. So... they'll bend down, and pull the thing off the carpet... and then drop it and vacuum it up! It's like, hey, you bent down to pick it up, and then just dropped it back on the floor again. Just pick it up and keep it up!"

Every time I vacuum, I think about that sketch, and I get annoyed at whatever comedian said it.

I constantly find things on the carpet that are stuck to it. It's usually a little chunk of Cheerio or cracker that Camille gummed up and then spat onto the carpet, where it dried and superglued itself to the fibers. It's impossible to vacuum up on its own, so what do I do? I bend down, pull it off, drop it, and then vacuum it up.

Because doing that makes more sense than picking it up and... and what? Hold it in my hand? Put it in my pocket? Most of the time when I'm vacuuming, I'm wearing sweatpants with no pockets. So I'd have to hold this chewed-up piece of cracker that would inevitably heat up and get sticky in my hand. That hand, by the way, would be full of cracker bits (because Camille likes to chew on stuff and then wipe it on the rug), so it would be impossible to use it for anything but holding these nasty pieces of cracker.

So what makes more sense? Dropping these little pieces back onto the floor and vacuuming it up, or holding the pieces in my hand while simultaneously trying to do stuff with that same hand?

If I remembered what comedian it was, I'd offer them a piece of advice: try to actually vacuum before you criticize other peoples' vacuuming methods.

On a not-so-bitchy note, a picture of a cat being vacuumed:

/end rant

Good, Get Off My Planet

So, normally I don't overtly ridicule the religious beliefs of others. I'm fairly tolerant of most things, and I believe that if you're doing something that doesn't hurt anyone else, then it's none of my business whether you do it or not. I expect, but don't often receive, the same courtesy from others.

That said, this topic is just too ridiculous not to make fun of. And I'm not afraid to say this: if you believe that this is true, you're a gullible chump and you probably need to be on medication. If you are Christian and you think Harold Camping is one crazy bitch, then none of this rant is directed at you in any way, shape, or form.

Simply Unacceptable

So, I got an A in my Chemistry lecture. Yippee skippee!

My Chemistry lab grade was just posted this morning.

B+.

.....

WHAT??

I inventoried carefully. I never missed a lab. I turned in every assignment. On every assignment I got back, I got a 9 or 10 score (except one, which was a 7). One 7 score amidst 9s and 10s would not land me a B+. So... WHY THE FUCK DO I HAVE A B+??????

I e-mailed my lab teacher and respectfully asked why I got a B+. I expect he's going to say I was missing assignments, but he's going to be wrong. At least 5 times during the semester, he would have me marked down for missing an assignment (this happened to just about everyone in the class). When I presented the graded assignment to him, he was more than happy to change the grade. But seriously, if he lost an assignment at the end and that's why I got a B+, heads will roll. I'm not going to take this lab over again because the fucking teacher can't keep track of assignments.

update: Yes, I was right. The teacher was gone to India during our final lab, so a substitute was called in to make sure we didn't burn our faces off with acid. Apparently, the sub failed to mark me as having attended, and also lost my lab report. So I have a big fat ZERO for one assignment. I told the teacher that I was indeed there and asked what could be done for me to fix this grave error. He responded that he believes that I was there, and that he'll send a request to the school administration and try to get my grade fixed. Hooray!

Dear Utah Motorists,

I've been driving in the great snowy state of Utah for over a year now, so I think I've been here long enough to have earned the right to bitch about some of the less-than-savory driving practices I've observed. Due to my experience driving in as many places as I have - Utah, Florida, California, Texas, Nebraska, Georgia, Missouri, Illinois, England, and an undisclosed location in the Middle East - I think I can safely say I've seen a whole lot of different driving situations. Utah doesn't have the worst drivers, but it definitely has the most perplexing ones.