The Legend of Zombie Jesus

Warning: do not partake of this post unless you have a sense of humor. PS I don't actually believe that Jesus is a zombie (but I do believe in the Zombie Apocalypse, which is why I sleep with a chainsaw under my bed).

picture from www.zombiejesusday.org

Once upon a time, there was a guy named Jesus. He hung out with his twelve best friends in the Middle East and had lots of fun and was nice to everyone.

Then one day, some dicks in leather skirts and helmets decided that this niceness shit had to go, so they killed Jesus and made everyone very sad. Jesus' best friends buried him in a cave and cried a lot.

A few days later, the best friends went to the cave and discovered that Jesus' body was gone. They were sad that he was gone, but they were also terrified... because when a dead thing returns to life, that means it is now a zombie.

The best friends knew that since Jesus was such a nice guy, he would fight the urge to eat brains with every fiber of his undead being. However, the brain-eating urge would eventually get too strong for even Jesus to resist, and he would one day eat some poor goatherd's brains. The best friends got together and consulted the wisest woman in the Middle East, asking if there was a cure to zombieism (like killing the head zombie or something).

The wise old woman said, "No, dude, you're thinking of vampires. There's no cure for zombieism; I'm sorry, but your pal is going to be a zombie forever."

The best friends cried more at this, but the old woman had a bit of good news for them.

"Zombies love to eat brains," she said. "But not many people know they love to eat chocolate eggs even more. Also, zombies are inexplicably attracted to bunny rabbits. They just love the furry little guys."

The best friends came up with a plan. They trained bunny rabbits to find Jesus and lead him to a garden, where they had hidden dozens of chocolate eggs. When Jesus arrived at the garden, he was so thrilled to find a garden full of scrumptious chocolate eggs and fluffy bunnies that he forgot all about brains, and was able to last an entire year without eating brains.

Every year after Jesus rose from the dead, the best friends would fill the garden with chocolate eggs, and the bunny rabbits would lead Jesus to the garden so he could enjoy the tasty treats and pet the bunnies. Soon, this custom caught on, and everyone started to zombie-proof themselves by setting out chocolate and bunnies on what would eventually be known as Zombie Jesus Day. Jesus was so moved by this display of chocolate-gifting that he vowed to never eat a brain for as long as there are brains. He never has.

And they all lived happily ever after.

picture from www.zombiejesusday.org