Dear Utah Motorists,

I've been driving in the great snowy state of Utah for over a year now, so I think I've been here long enough to have earned the right to bitch about some of the less-than-savory driving practices I've observed. Due to my experience driving in as many places as I have - Utah, Florida, California, Texas, Nebraska, Georgia, Missouri, Illinois, England, and an undisclosed location in the Middle East - I think I can safely say I've seen a whole lot of different driving situations. Utah doesn't have the worst drivers, but it definitely has the most perplexing ones.

Highway onramps have a single purpose: to allow the driver who is merging onto the highway time and distance to meet the speed of the motorists already on the highway are traveling at (the posted speed limit around here is 65). So... speed up! If you're going 35mph at the end of the onramp, you are traveling at least 30mph too slow! The onramps in Texas are like 10 feet long and they still manage to speed up fast enough to be going the highway's speed. Onramps in Utah are like half a mile long. There is no excuse.

While we're on the topic of onramp etiquette, it is proper etiquette for the people in the far righthand lane on the highway to let people merge in. Don't speed up to prevent me from merging onto the highway. I have nowhere to go but into the side of a bridge or into a ditch.

Turn signals do not give you the unalienable right to change lanes. If I'm already in the lane, I have the right of way, and putting on a turn signal doesn't automatically pass the right of way over to you. They are merely a way of telling the people around you, "Hey, I'd like to go to the right. Please be aware and perhaps even be a pal and allow me over." They are for use before you start to turn/merge/change lanes, not during or even after the process.

The Interstate is not an appropriate place to go for your leisurely Sunday drive. At 50mph. In the left lane.

The far right lane is for slower traffic. The far left lane is for passing and/or speed demons. Any lanes between the far right and far left are for intermediate speeds. You should not ride in the left lane if you're doing under 100mph, and if you're not emergency personnel.

If I put on my turn signal and try to change lanes in front of you, it is not appropriate to speed up to prevent me from changing lanes. By the time I've put my signal on, I've already looked around, assessed your distance and speed, and determined that I have room to change lanes. There's nothing you can do. The signal is there to be polite and inform you of my movement. So back the fuck up.

The dashed white lines on the roadways are not suggestions. Please stay within them.

If you drive a giant truck, it means you pay more in gas every month, and that you have a small penis. It does not mean you get the right of way. If you hit me and I live, I'm going to sue you so hard your hair is going to ignite.

If you pull out in front of someone and they are forced to brake to keep from running into you, you didn't have enough room to pull out. Wait for a bigger gap in traffic.

If you drive an automatic vehicle, please keep in mind that not everyone else does. Manual cars will roll backwards on hills. Don't pull up behind a car on a hill so close that your fenders are almost touching, because if the car in front of you is me, I'm going to put my parking brake on, get out of my car, and yell at you for being a fucktard.

Green left-turn arrow: drive through.
Yellow left-turn arrow: gas it or stop.
Red left-turn arrow: it is now illegal to drive through.
Hugging the rear bumper of the car in front of you does not make it acceptable to run a red light, especially, if the three cars in front of you are already running the red light. It just makes you look like a douche. The light will be red for 2 minutes. Wait.

It is not appropriate to drive in the middle turn lane if you're not actually turning.

It is not appropriate to drive in the middle turn lane in order to skip traffic and then try to merge back in. It is also not appropriate to execute this strategy on a shoulder.

If you're at a stop sign and you want to turn left, you must remain on the right side of the road. The left side of the road is for opposing traffic. If you pull into the left side of the road, you run the risk of someone running into you. And yes, the resulting accident would be your fault.

That's it, I suppose. I'm sure I'll come up with something else the next time I decide to take a drive.

Until then, smooches!
Taylor