Nursery Rhyme Analysis

So Camille has arrived at the point in her life where she actually listens to nursery rhymes. And though I'm not Kelly Clarkson or anything, I guess I do a decent job at the nursery rhymes.

However, if you're like me, you know less than half of the lyrics to pretty much every nursery rhyme out there. I'd get halfway through "Hush Little Baby" and be like "momma's gonna buy you a... bunch... of diapers?" I had no idea what came after the diamond ring.

So I looked up the lyrics to a bunch of nursery rhymes, and I realized that these things either make zero sense or are even slightly threatening.

Pop! Goes the Weasel
So, when I learned this rhyme as a kid, of course I imagined a monkey chasing a weasel around a bush. Literally. And eventually, the weasel would get too tired and would explode. I don't know why weasels explode when they're tired, but according to my child-mind, that's what happens. Apparently, this song is actually about poor British people spending all their money on booze.

Ring Around the Rosy
This is a pretty effed up song. Let's go over it line-by-line.

"Ring around the rosy"
This referred to one of the symptoms of the Bubonic Plague, which were red-rimmed sores on the skin.
"A pocketful of posies"
Since it was believed that the Plague was spread by bad smells, people wore sachets filled with sweet-smelling herbs in their pockets.
"Ashes, ashes"
Plague victims were burned so as not to spread the Plague further.
"We all fall down."
About 60% of people who caught the Plague died.

FAN-tastic song for children to sing. Let's sing about death, kids! YAAAAAAY!

Rock-a-Bye Baby
Rock-a-bye baby in the treetop
When the wind blows the cradle will rock
When the bough breaks the cradle will fall
And down will come baby, cradle and all.

O_o
Threatening.

Three Blind Mice
Three blind mice, three blind mice
See how they run, see how they run
They all ran after the farmer's wife
Who cut off their tails with a carving knife
Have you ever seen such a sight in your life
As three blind mice?

This song is actually a reference to Mary, Queen of Scots (also called "Bloody Mary") and her penchant for punishing Protestants. "Farmer's wife" refers to Queen Mary, and the "three blind mice" refer to three  Protestant noblemen who were convicted of plotting against the royal family. Mary punished them for their plotting, but not by blinding and dismembering them, as one might gather from the nursery rhyme. Oh my, no! Rather, they were burned alive.

There Was an Old Woman
There was an old woman who lived in a shoe
She had so many children, she didn't know what to do!
So she gave them some broth without any bread
And she whipped them all soundly and sent them to bed!

OK, first of all, if you have so many children you don't know what to do, I know what to do, and I think you all know where this is going. Keep your pants on, lady!

So, she had all these kids, and she couldn't afford to feed them. So she fed them some vitamin-free slop without even any solid food to go along with it, and then she beat her hungry malnourished children before sending them to bed. I'm glad I have such a great role model to emulate.   >.>

Hush Little Baby
I'm sure you're at least a little familiar with this nursery rhyme.

Hush little baby, don't say a word
Momma's gonna buy you a mockingbird

And so forth. Why the fuck would you buy a baby a mockingbird? I mean, putting their apparent innocence aside*, I'm sure they'd make terrible pets for a child. I mean, really, all birds would make terrible pets for a child. Birds are very fragile. Don't buy a bird for your child.

If the mockingbird won't sing (probably due to having pneumonia from a broken bone that was caused by the rough handling of the child it was bought for), momma is supposed to buy the baby a diamond ring. I wouldn't buy an adult a diamond ring to replace their dead pet bird, and I definitely wouldn't buy a diamond ring for a child... for any reason.

If the diamond ring turns brass, you got ripped off. And also must now buy a looking glass. A mirror, for those of you who don't know what "snicker-snack" means**. Now this one kind of makes sense. Babies like to look at their reflections in the mirror, mostly because they don't understand that it's them and not another baby. And since babies are social critters, they get stoked when they see what they believe to be another baby.

When the unsupervised child inevitably breaks the mirror (probably cutting themselves in the process), momma is now obligated to buy the kid a billy goat. A billy goat?? For fuckin' serious?? Why would you buy a billy goat? The mockingbird was a bad enough pet choice, so now you're going to get the baby a GOAT? Here's a secret about billy goats... they're assholes. My mom rescued unwanted goats when I was a kid, and amassed a herd of like 20 of them. Most of the goats were neutered, but one was a billy goat (which is what you call a male goat who still has his balls), and he was such an asshole that they had to keep him tethered away from all other living things or he'd smash his head and horns into them. My dad and uncle (PETA hippies should skip this next sentence, mmkay?) used to get drunk and wrestle this mean billy goat. And no, they did not make him mean. He was mean already. Intact male animals are oftentimes mean. I won't go into my pet rooster Clucky just now. That's a story unto itself and will be covered in a separate blog post.

If the billy goat won't pull (whatever that means), momma will buy the baby a cart and bull. Presumably for transportation. A baby carriage would be much easier.

If the cart and bull fall down, the baby will still be the cutest baby in town. Unless, of course, the cart and bull fall on top of the baby. In that case, if the baby lives, it will still be the cutest little half-squashed malformed baby in town.

Pat a Cake
Pat a cake, pat a cake, baker's man
Bake me a cake as fast as you can
Pat it, roll it, mark it with a B
Throw it in the oven for baby and me!

This one isn't falling under scrutiny, because Camille loves the crap out of it. Only we say "mark it with a C" and replace "baby" with "Cami." This is probably the only surefire way right now to make her laugh.

*If you don't get this reference, educate yourself and go read "To Kill a Mockingbird."
**More education needed. Refer to "Through the Looking Glass" plz.