The Strategic Pooper

If you have a child, or have ever watched someone else's child, you've probably had to deal with a strategic pooper.

INCOMING!!

Camille is a habitual strategic pooper. She'll hold in a poop until I change her pee-diaper, and then practically the moment I've fastened her fresh new diaper on...

So then I have to chase her down AGAIN.

Avoid her flailing feet so I can undo her jammies AGAIN.

Take her smelly diaper off AGAIN.

Keep her from crawling away AGAIN.

Put on butt paste and a new diaper AGAIN.

And if I'm lucky, she won't poop a second time. But as the parent of a small child, poo is something you've got to get used to. Because when it comes to tiny people:

It's Purple

My mom has been a great source of info regarding foods that a baby might like to eat.

She said I loved peas when I was a baby, and Camille loves peas.

She said I loved carrots, and Camille loves carrots.

She said I loved beets

so I made some beets for Camille. I was apprehensive to feed them to her, because they're super stainers. My fingers were nice and purple for a while after I made the beet baby food, and my cutting board is still a little purple from where I sliced them up.

But Jake finally decided that it was Beet Time, so she was fed beets. And here's how it went:

I got the stains off her face pretty easily, but she dropped a chunk into her lap. I had to Zout it like crazy and wash it immediately. I'm happy to report that I got the stains out.

She didn't gobble the beets like she gobbles peas, but she didn't spit them out either. I'd say they're a 7 on Camille's Yummy Scale of 1-10.

This morning, Camille took a dump. As usual. But when I opened it, her poop was not usual at all.

It was purple.

BEETS!

The Poop Ponderance

Hypothesis: Camille will not poop if she's not at our apartment.

Why I think this: for a long time (when I wasn't really going anywhere in the morning), Camille would poop like clockwork. We'd get up, I'd feed her, and then she'd take a dump. Clockwork. But now, since I've actually started getting up early, her poop schedule has changed... but only when we go out.

On days I run, she won't poop until we're done running and have returned to the apartment. On days I don't run, she poops as per the usual: wake up, eat, poop.

On Wednesdays, I have my mommy group, and she doesn't poop until we get home from it.

The ultimate test came yesterday, when we went camping. She pooped before we left, and she didn't poop again until we came back the next day.

So yeah, Camille only poops at our apartment. Possibly at her Grandma's house, too.

Mondays are Shitty

Literally. (WARNING: there are graphic pictures of doo doo in this blog post. Read at your own risk!)

My morning ritual goes like this: wake up, feed Camille, take a shower, give her a sponge bath, lotion her up, get her dressed. Then we come downstairs, I sit her on her playmat, and I make myself breakfast and read Interweb stuff while she plays with her toys. By the time I'm done eating, she's ready for second breakfast, and then she takes a nap.

I love mornings.

Hello, February

Let me begin this post by stating that everywhere I've lived (and that's been a lot of places), February is always the shittiest month of the year. I've only ever lived north of the equator, though, so maybe February is totally tits Down Under. I need to jet my happy ass down there some time, if for no other reason than to flush a few toilets.

To prove my "crappiest month" hypothesis, it happens to be the windiest day so far this winter. Now all we need is some icky freezing rain and some fog, and it's the Crud Month Trifecta!

Aaaaanyway, today is a special day. No, it's not just the start to the most asstastic month on the calendar. It's also mine and Jake's anniversary!

The first anniversary is paper. So I just got Jake a card. We went to dinner Saturday night and stuffed our faces full of hibachi. We'd go to dinner tonight but I have class. Boo!

Camille began February by taking the biggest poop she's ever worked up this morning. I swear, this diaper weighed more than she does. O_o

More On Poop

So, poop might be one of my favorite topics to write about. There have already been a few poop posts, and I'm sure there will be more in the future.

Today's poop post is all about the first postpartum poop. I'm sure any pregnant woman who's spoken to anyone who's delivered a baby has been told all kinds of horror stories about how horrific the first poop after you've had a baby can be. I was told by one of the nurses that it feels like giving birth all over again (albeit to a very smelly and not-as-cute baby); kudos to that nurse for putting the patient at ease, might I add.

Along with 800 mg Ibuprofen, stool softeners are among the medications you'll be offered after the birth. Here's some advice:

TAKE THEM BOTH.

Especially if you tore at all. And probably even if you didn't. I tore, but according to all medical professionals present, it was barely a 1. Here's some more info on perineal tearing, but essentially, a first-degree tear involves skin and maybe a little subcutaneous tissue, but no muscle. It's the tear everyone hopes for (except, maybe, no tear at all). I was informed that my tear involved only skin, and I needed exactly three stitches (see my page on Beast Day for the rundown on how much I hate the doctor who stitched me up).

Even just a little tiny tear hurts, especially since it's in a spot that you use a lot more than you were ever aware of before it got beat the fuck out of. I never thought sitting down would be such an ordeal.

I also never thought peeing would be so painful. The nurses know what they're talking about when they recommend the squirt bottle and witch hazel pads. I now understand why people use bidets. Do it.

But anyway, we're not here to talk about pee. We're talking about doody.

Take the stool softeners. You'll be so glad you did. After being totally surprised by the pain of peeing, I started to have nightmares about pooping. I avoided eating food that I knew would plug me up (dairy!), and dreaded every time I felt the need to make poopers.

You can't hold in poop forever, though, so the day came where I knew it was time to bite the bullet and give birth to a poo-baby. I went into the bathroom expecting to have my ass torn apart.

And... it wasn't that bad.

In fact, it wasn't bad at all. I hardly felt it. I walked out of the bathroom singing the praises of whoever invented stool softeners.

The #1 Question

I have many friends with babies. I also have many friends without babies. It seems, however, that no matter what their current offspring status, they all had the same question:

"Did you poop??"

OK, people. You want to know, so I'll answer.

I don't know.

And I'm not just saying that because I don't want to admit to pooping. I really don't know. I didn't notice a lot that day (much of which Jake has reminded me of), and I haven't gotten around to asking Jake if I pushed out a poop while I was pushing out the baby.

You read and hear all kinds of things about labor, one of which is that a lot of women poop. There are many soon-to-be mothers who worry about that the most, and those who have experienced labor always offer this assurance: don't be worried, you won't even notice it.

And I think that's true. For me, anyway. If I did poop, I didn't even notice, and I didn't even think about it until the first time I was asked about it. You're preoccupied with more pressing issues, I promise.

Motherly (Toilet) Wisdom

One of my earliest childhood memories involves a short conversation I had with my mother regarding childbirth. I must have been 5 or 6 years old, following my mother around the house. We were in my parents' loft bedroom, and my mom was in the bathroom washing her hands or something, and I was standing next to their large dresser which sat just next to the bathroom door.

I don't know why we were on the topic of childbirth. Maybe we weren't. Maybe it was just something that happened to scoot through my 5-year-old brain and make its way to my mouth. Kids say the darndest things, right?

Anyway, I asked her what childbirth was like. It was probably phrased more like this: "Mommy, what is having a baby like?"

My mom is a complex person. She was raised very properly; that is to say, she possesses impeccable manners and uses them when the situation calls for them. She always emphasized to me how important it is to bring some kind of gift (dessert, wine, etc) when you're invited to someone's house. She also lectured me for an entire train ride across England about how to properly eat (I think she was worried I'd slurp soup or something in the presence of her fancy-shmancy relatives whom we were on our way to see). Stand up straight, don't chew your nails, wash behind your ears, etc.

But, my mother is also unpolished. She used to fart in the car and then roll down the front passenger window so the odor would be pulled past my sister or I (whoever had chosen the front seat). This might account for why both Harper and I think farts are hilarious, even though we didn't find it funny at the time.

As a 5-year-old, everything my parents said was gospel (except what my dad told me about mud-dauber wasps and their intimate relationship with spiders), so when my mom answered my quandary re: baby-havin', I carried that in my brain for the next... well, twenty years. I'm reminded of it every now and then, and it always makes me chuckle a little.

When asked what having a baby was like, my mom's response to me was: "Taylor, having a baby is like taking a really really big poop."

I doubt she thought that I'd remember that. But I do. And in a few weeks, I'll be able to verify whether that comparison is accurate. Thanks, Mom, for the wisdom. :)

Top Ten: Crappy Pregnancy Symptoms I Never Got (Yet)

Before you get pregnant, everyone is quick to tell you how wonderful having a baby is, and how it will complete your life, and what a magical experience pregnancy is.

Then, once you are pregnant, everything changes. You no longer hear about the pregnancy glow or being cute with your belly sticking out, but instead listen to tales of pregnancy constipation and super-hairiness. And the greatest part is: no one tells you about the crappy stuff until you're already pregnant! Beautiful miracle, my ass.

I figure since I just passed the 30-week mark, most of the wonderful symptoms of pregnancy should have happened to me already. And some of them have. However, it seems like I dodged several hormonal bullets. This blog's purpose is to help me remember what did or didn't happen during my pregnancy so I can tell the Beast and any future girl/boyfriends all about it; therefore, I feel that including a post like this is essential.

So here we go: the Top Ten Crappy Pregnancy Symptoms I Never Got

1. Sasquatch-esque Hair Growth

One of the good side-effects of pregnancy is that your hair (on your head) will stop shedding. It will get super thick and shiny and luxurious, and you'll be all fabulous. Sometimes, the opposite occurs and you look like a chemotherapy patient. With me, however, my hair didn't change. It was partly disappointing, because I really wanted to enjoy thick, supermodel hair for a while. I'm kind of glad I didn't have any changes with my hair, though, because the same mechanism in your body that keeps you from shedding on your head also keeps you from shedding everywhere else. Thus, Wolf-Lady hairiness. Hairy legs, pits, No-No Zone, mustache, etc. I like that I didn't have to pluck a mustache.

2. Pregnancy Mask

Pregnancy mask occurs when the skin on a pregnant woman's face reacts unfavorably to sunlight. It will make the skin mottled, usually around the eyes, nose, and mouth (thus looking like a mask). I haven't changed my sun-soaking habits (or lack thereof) since I got pregnant, and I always wear SPF 15 on my face every day anyway. I've experienced no pregnancy mask, and no major skin problems at all, period. I wouldn't say I'm glowing; I'd say, I'm normal.

3. Poop Problems

Constipation and diarrhea are both fairly common during pregnancy, and I've not experienced any of that. Well, any more than usual. I've been craving dairy products more than usual, and being lactose intolerant, the ingestion of dairy always makes my GI tract unhappy. It's not pregnancy's fault, though, it's my addiction to moomoo milk.

4. Edema

The swelling of the extremities. Edema can indicate heart problems, but during pregnancy, it just indicates that pregnancy sucks more than your mom ever told you it did. I can still wear my wedding band all day, every day, no problem.

5. Incontinence

The increased stresses placed on a woman's pelvic area during pregnancy sometimes results in the inability to hold her pee (and less often, her doody). Sometimes, the position of the baby in later weeks puts a whole lot of pressure on the pregnant lady's bladder, and sometimes (like in my case with the Beast), the baby will use the bladder as a soccer ball and practice kicking, punching, and headbutting it. Any of these factors can contribute to incontinence. I am happy to report that I haven't peed my pants yet.

6. Foot Size Increase

During pregnancy, your body will loosen up the ligaments in your hips, so that they will come apart easier during labor, which will allow for the baby's head to fit through the birth canal. Hooray Nature! However, your body isn't shooting a ligament-loosening sniper rifle; it's blasting a ligament-loosening shotgun. By that, I mean not only do the ligaments in your hips loosen; the ligaments in your entire body do. Your feet have a lot of ligaments in them, and when they loosen, your foot size increases. Permanently. I like my small feet, and I'm glad I get to keep them.

7. Crazy Food Cravings

One of the first questions everyone asks me is, "So, what weird food cravings have you had?" And I always have to (get to?) disappoint by responding, "Nothing." It's true. I haven't even really had any huge food aversions (black olives, for the most part), and I guess Jake's lucky that I haven't forced him to go out to the store at 11pm for raisins, Jell-O, and chicken patties.

8. Sticky-Outy Belly Button

It's still amazingly concave, even this late. I thought it would have popped by now, but it hasn't. I guess there's still time, but I think it's going to stay mostly the way it was.

9. Varicose Veins (to Include Hemorrhoids)

Now, here is one of those pregnancy symptoms that no one will talk about with you until you're pregnant. Varicose veins suck enough as it is, but when they're located in your pooper (or even in your bajingo), it ups the suckfactor. Imagine hearing as a little girl: "When a mommy is pregnant with a baby, sometimes her butt will bleed when she poops!" Just FYI, when I was Googling for pics for this part, I came across some truly heinous pictures of hemorrhoids. I have decided to be merciful and not post any of them here.

10. Drooling

I forget why drooling is common during pregnancy, but it is. And I haven't drooled more than normal. It seems like a mild sucky symptom next to incontinence and hemorrhoids, but I think that drooling all over yourself while standing in line at the bank would be pretty embarrassing.

I also haven't gotten stretch marks yet, nor did I ever fly into completely insane fits of hormone-induced pregnancy rage. The stretch marks can still happen, though, and are really more likely to happen later since that's when all the stretching occurs. I don't think my mom got stretch marks, and heredity plays a significant part in the acquisition of the dreaded stretch mark. As for pregnancy uber-bitchiness, it just never showed up. There was pregnancy-related crying and sadness (some of you may recall my tale of the Energizer Bunny commercial from a previous blog posting), but those lasted about 15 minutes each and have only occurred a total of probably 6-ish times. I consider hormonal emotion swings to be a dodged bullet, as well.

I think going into painstaking detail about the really awful parts of pregnancy would deter a lot of girls from getting knocked up.