More On Poop

So, poop might be one of my favorite topics to write about. There have already been a few poop posts, and I'm sure there will be more in the future.

Today's poop post is all about the first postpartum poop. I'm sure any pregnant woman who's spoken to anyone who's delivered a baby has been told all kinds of horror stories about how horrific the first poop after you've had a baby can be. I was told by one of the nurses that it feels like giving birth all over again (albeit to a very smelly and not-as-cute baby); kudos to that nurse for putting the patient at ease, might I add.

Along with 800 mg Ibuprofen, stool softeners are among the medications you'll be offered after the birth. Here's some advice:

TAKE THEM BOTH.

Especially if you tore at all. And probably even if you didn't. I tore, but according to all medical professionals present, it was barely a 1. Here's some more info on perineal tearing, but essentially, a first-degree tear involves skin and maybe a little subcutaneous tissue, but no muscle. It's the tear everyone hopes for (except, maybe, no tear at all). I was informed that my tear involved only skin, and I needed exactly three stitches (see my page on Beast Day for the rundown on how much I hate the doctor who stitched me up).

Even just a little tiny tear hurts, especially since it's in a spot that you use a lot more than you were ever aware of before it got beat the fuck out of. I never thought sitting down would be such an ordeal.

I also never thought peeing would be so painful. The nurses know what they're talking about when they recommend the squirt bottle and witch hazel pads. I now understand why people use bidets. Do it.

But anyway, we're not here to talk about pee. We're talking about doody.

Take the stool softeners. You'll be so glad you did. After being totally surprised by the pain of peeing, I started to have nightmares about pooping. I avoided eating food that I knew would plug me up (dairy!), and dreaded every time I felt the need to make poopers.

You can't hold in poop forever, though, so the day came where I knew it was time to bite the bullet and give birth to a poo-baby. I went into the bathroom expecting to have my ass torn apart.

And... it wasn't that bad.

In fact, it wasn't bad at all. I hardly felt it. I walked out of the bathroom singing the praises of whoever invented stool softeners.