The Super Historically-Accurate Story of American Freedom

Happy Birthday, America! Sometimes you're kind of a bitch, but I love you anyway!

The Fourth of July is a day where we should stop and consider ourselves lucky for several things, amongst which are the following:

1. That the British Empire in the late 1700's cared more about tea and spices than anything America had to offer.
2. That French people weren't afraid to be assholes.
3. That the colonists were tax-dodging big fat cheaters.

When I lived in England, I learned that the British education system teaches the Revolutionary War a whole lot differently than the American education system teaches it.

Surprise!

As we all know, the American version is something like this: The King of England

"One is afraid One's hat is quite bitchin'."

decided that the Colonies weren't paying enough taxes, so he plotted with his evil tax collectors and put a ridiculous tax on everything.

Even puppies.

When the American colonists found out about the super-steep puppy tax, they about lost their shit.

They decided that, while paying taxes on stuff like tea and shoes was OK, taxing puppies was downright unacceptable. So, they stopped paying taxes - not only on puppies, but on everything.

Well, when the King of England found out about this refusal to pay taxes, he got a little angry.

"How darest thou not pay Our
most excellent taxes?"

So he sent his badass British army to the colonies to beat the taxes out of colonists with mackerel.

But the British army forewent the mackerel and used guns instead.

Han fired first.

Well, the American colonists weren't going to take that shit from their British oppressors! So they fought back, using French sneakiness and good old-fashioned American ingenuity, and they whooped the British army's ass and sent them crying back to England!

U S A ! U S A !

And here's the British version of the Revolutionary War: The King of England

"We're just hanging out with Our wang out."

owned some land out west. And one day, those asshole colonists started bitching about tea or something.

And the King decided that he was tired of their bitching, so he sent some soldiers over there to inform them that they could have their stupid Indian-infested Frog-having tea-less wasteland. And the King left them alone, and both sides lived happily ever after.

Both sides of the story are incorrect. They play down French involvement WAY too much.

Americans, it's because of we smelly Frenchpersons that England didn't just steamroll the colonists and then teabag them all.

Englishpersons, it's because of we hairy Frenchpersons that you all don't look exactly the same. Because you all kind of look like each others' cousins. Don't get mad. Search your hearts; you know it to be true.

So in essence, everyone needs to thank the Frenchies for delicious toast, yummy wine, fresh genetic material, and these United States.

Also this Monty Python sketch: