25 Weeks

So, I'm 25 weeks pregnant today. Technically, I've only been inhabited by a fetus for 23 weeks, but some genius determined that the two weeks preceding ovulation somehow count towards your final pregnancy tally. So, 25 weeks pregnant, but the Beast is only 23 fetus-weeks old.

When I was in the Air Force, I was unfortunate enough to go to tech school with - and later, be based in the same unit as - a total and complete retard who really should have been weeded out of the gene pool for the overall benefit of mankind. I'm sure everyone knows one of "those:" the people so stupid that you're amazed they haven't choked on their own tongue by now. For the sake of his privacy, we shall refer to him simply as Airman Dippy.

Airman Dippy managed to dupe some poor, equally-as-stupid girl into marrying him. They promptly had stupid unprotected sex, and concieved a stupid child (that later became a stupid obese infant). Since we worked in the same office - and since having a baby is a big deal for stupid and non-stupid people alike - I got to hear all about his pregnant stupid wife and their impending stupid baby arrival.

You may have noticed by now that I'm not a very nice person inside my head. I am, however, a very nice person in real life, on the outside, where it shows. When most coworkers would tell me about their children and show me pictures of their (oftentimes hideously ugly) babies, I would always manage some kind of polite response and listen kindly to stories of vomiting babies or toddlers that wrote on the kitchen cupboards with feces. I even managed to NOT vocalize my suggestions for duct-taping or stapling errant children to furniture, or when I did, I made it sound like I was kidding.

For the record, NOT kidding.

But anyway, I digress. My point is, I manage to be social and polite with 99% of people, but I couldn't bring myself to be polite with Airman Dippy anymore (I'd been stuck with his stupid ass for about 4 years at this point, and I was tired of pretending not to be enraged by his continued survival). It wasn't a secret that I didn't like kids in the first place (still don't!), or that I found him repulsive on every front. He still wanted to tell me about his baby who, being his offspring, would no doubt be at least 50% as repulsive as him. And every time he started to tell me about Baby Dippy, my response was always something along the lines of, "Dude, I do not give a shit about your stupid baby."

One of these conversations that I didn't give a shit about evolved into an argument that I thought he had won. He said something about 10 months of pregnancy, and I said, "It's 9 months, genius. Humans gestate for 9 months, not 10," to which he responded, "No, pregnancy is 40 weeks long. There are 4 weeks in a month. 40 divided by 4 is 10. So 10 months."

I was taken aback, mostly because I was surprised at his advanced level of mathematical comprehension. This guy being able to do division was like coming home and finding your cat singing Nessun Dorma in front of your bathroom mirror. Inconceivable.

I was willing to give Airman Dippy the argument, mostly because of his pregnant wife and the fact that an obstetrician had probably given him the 40-week-10-month information. I didn't care enough to look it up, so I just left it as a score for him.

However, now knowing what I know about pregnancy, I have decided that he was wrong. It's not his fault; the general count of 40 weeks is wrong. It's dumb to count those first two weeks. The count should start on the day of ovulation, really. Why include two weeks before you've even had THE sex? There's no baby before ovulation, nor is there even viable available baby-making materials.

I suppose it's an easy way for calculating where you are in your pregnancy. An equally as easy way, though, would be to find the LMP date and just jump to two weeks after that. Hey! Ovulation date! Spermie time!

I tried to explain this concept to Jake, but he seemed very uninterested in a who-cares-the-baby-is-coming-at-the-same-time-either-way way. I guess he's right. But don't tell him I said that.