It's Not Defective; Your Kid's Just Stupid

Okay, so Wormie has figured out how to work the TV, so it's basically on all the time now. She watches shows like Oomie Zoomie (a math cartoon) and Dora the Explorer (and already knows more Spanish than I do), so I don't really mind.

Since the kid channels are on all the time, I'm exposed to a bunch of kid commercials.

First of all, who writes these songs? Someone went to college to be a songwriter and now they're writing assinine Barbie commercial jingles. I bet they die a little inside every time they hear the jingle, and then they drink the pain away. "I wanted to compose epic movie scores." *guzzle whiskey*

Second of all, I've been reliving toys of my childhood. One in particular was awesome because I could eat it. Easy-Bake Oven!

I read an article about the Easy-Bake Oven and how kids these days can't seem to figure out how to use the thing. Hasbro recalled a bunch because 29 kids got their fingers stuck in the oven and 5 of those kids got burned. Then Hasbro issued a retrofit kit that just made things worse.

http://www.cbsnews.com/2100-500202_162-3073906.html

I had an Easy-Bake Oven when I was a kid, and yeah I burned my fingers here and there, but I leared to use a goddamn oven mitt. If I had fucked up too much, my mom would have just taken it away from me because I was too stupid to use it. She wouldn't have written a letter to the company and demanded they recall it.

Also, where were these parents when their kid got burned? Supervision much? If Wormie was messing around with a toy that could make fire, I would be standing over her like some kind of mommycopter. Sorry, fire is where I draw the line.

So 29 kids got their fingers stuck in the Oven. 29 out of how many? Probably a bajillion. Maybe those 29 kids are too stupid to use the Easy-Bake Oven. If your kid can't figure out an oven, maybe your kid shouldn't be using an oven. Maybe they should just get a teddy bear instead. Don't ruin things for everyone else because your kid doesn't understand that you shouldn't shove your hands inside a hot oven.

Zombie Blog

I'm back, bitches!

And by "back," I mean "knocked up again."

Hooray!

Wormie's second birthday was yesterday, and I had a doctor's appointment on the same day. Here are the pictures.

CUPPIECAEK

OM NOM NOM

Ted!

I called Wormie "the Beast" in utero, because we didn't know her gender and I didn't want to call her something stupid like "the peanut." This baby will not be Beast #2, but rather "Teddy Bear." The OB, when doing the ultrasound, said, "They always look like little teddy bears to me at this point."

BLAM. Thanks, Doc.

9 1/2 weeks. I've been barfy and cranky and fat and sassy for the past... I dunno, month and half? I've just wanted to kill everyone. So get ready for some super mean posts about stuff. And also babies maybe.

Snow Adventures

We've been meaning to take Wormie tubing for a while, but just never got around to it until today. She had a blast!

We forgot her sunglasses, so she had the sun in her eyes
the whole time.

Taking a ride to the sledding hill.

Jake and Wormie getting ready to
come down the hill.

She lay there like a slug. It was her only defense.

She fell off the tube and face-planted in the snow.
She was not happy.

Riding down the hill with daddy!

We thought for sure she'd fall asleep in the car, but she didn't. She just blabbed on and on. She gets mad at her sippy cup when she can't suck anymore liquid out of it, so that's what the screaming's all about.

I gave her a tissue for her runny nose. She ripped it up
and put it on top of her head. Classy!

You're All Liars

When people see Wormie, they tell me, "I can really see you in her. She looks like you."

They're all a bunch of goddamn liars.

Jake's mom found some of his baby pictures and she gave them to me. I don't think I need to explain why I think everyone lies to me about Wormie. Take a look.

Those are all Jake!

Here's some of Wormie so you can compare.

They look like the same person. I'm about to accuse Jake of impregnating me with his clone.

Jake makes fun of Wormie's pseudo-mullet all the time, and as you can see, he had the same hair when he was a baby. We now have photo evidence that the mullet is his fault!

Diet: Day Four

128.2 lbs.

I never realized until this diet how much I don't like most fruits. They're too sweet. I know, that sounds crazy coming from a chocolate addict, but it's the truth. I bite into these fruits and I almost can't swallow. Too sweet. Can't handle it.

The fruits I do like do weird things to my tongue. I'm talking about pineapple mostly, because pineapple is delicious, and everyone likes pineapple. OK, that's not entirely true. There are people who don't like pineapple. I think they're called Al Qaeda.

Anyway, if I eat too much pineapple, it burns my tongue and my taste buds start to peel off. It's nasty. The same thing happens with kiwi. A single kiwi fruit will render my tongue taste bud-less. I don't know what the deal is.

I'm still hungry, even after stuffing my face with the most sickeningly sweet fruits I can handle. I also have a headache that started yesterday morning and won't go away.

I took a Chemistry quiz last night. The first quiz I took (last week or so), I got a 100% on the first try. This quiz I missed two problems, even with notes right there in front of me. My brain will not function. I knew what I needed to do, but I couldn't do it. It was kind of like the physio training I had to do in the AF. They put you in a decompression chamber and suck the air out of the room to simulate being unpressurized at high altitudes. Then they take away your oxygen mask and give you a test. It's not a hard test, mostly stuff like "write your full name" and "if you have 8 sheep and 3 get eaten, how many sheep are left?" and that kind of thing. When your brain is oxygen deprived, however, you can't even answer easy stuff like that. Shit, you can't even write your name correctly (I spelled my name 'Tayor'). That's how I feel now. I can't string two thoughts together. I think fruit is making me retarded.

So hippies, I'm curious to know exactly when I'll start feeling AMAAAZING. So far, I'm constantly starving, have a headache that won't quit, and I'm exhausted all day. I have to work tomorrow, and I'm not about to go dragging ass around my residents. I have homework and tests all due on Monday, and as it is now, I can hardly muster up the energy to keep Wormie from throwing all her diapers in the trash. Brain-thinkin' takes a lot of energy, and if I want to keep my grades up, I might have to eat a donut - YES a donut, only a donut will undo this fruit lethargy! - to give my brain some fuel.