The Hardest Part

Is the waiting, of course!

I started to put together the bag for the hospital. Like all first-rate procrastinators, it's only half-filled, and likely to remain that way until we're actually stepping out the door. I have set myself up for success by leaving a list of missing items inside the bag itself, so I won't be running around going, "I forgot this, I forgot that, blah blah blah."

At my baby class, the instructor suggested items for the bag, and they were good suggestions, all. I altered the list a wee bit, mostly because (unlike most expectant mothers, apparently) I don't plan on scooting to the hospital the moment I go into labor. Hells no. I plan on staying home and terrifying Jake for as long as possible. "AAAHHHH I feel the head coming out! No, just kidding, but seriously, rub my feet."

I don't want a home birth. Too messy for me, thanks. Cleaning up dog diarrhea was bad enough; I might have an aneurysm if I had to clean up placenta. Especially from carpet. And the Stanley Steemer guy might freak out if there was a giant blood stain on our carpet. I'd assure him that it was because of a baby and not because I stabbed someone in the face and then cut their body into small parts and fed it into the garbage disposal.

Then I'd stare at him like this

until he left.

Along with the hospital bag list I recorded at the baby class, I also looked up suggestions online. Because that's what I do, double-check things on the Google. And I think I'm pretty good at finding fun extra stuff that otherwise would have gone un-thought-about until I got to the hospital and said, "You know, I could really go for Item X."

One of the online lists I found had comments. Most of them sang the praises of this particular list (which was very similar to the one I had already written down at baby class), and several had other suggestions. For example, the prissier commenters said to bring your own underwear because then you won't feel so much like a hospital patient. Well, I don't feel like ruining my own underwear just so I can feel "normal." I hang out in PJs all day anyway; a couple of days in a hospital gown isn't going to phase me, really. Also, I really don't want to ruin my underwear. It's all VS! And I refuse to buy granny panties from Wal-Mart. Refuse.

Another suggestion said that, rather than bringing Maxi-pads, you should just bring Depends.

Depends?

Uh huh.

Yeah, great idea.

Except for those of us who aren't really big fans of embarrassing the bejesus out of ourselves at the grocery store. I know the cashiers there. They know me. I had a hard enough time buying those Maxi-pads (super ultra mega absorbent nighttime 3-feet-long Maxi-pads, if you must know) and some nursing pads. I wouldn't be able to even put the Depends in my cart. I'd make Jake do it. And Jake wouldn't do it. He'd make me do it and stand nearby with a camera and laugh hysterically as I wheeled my adult-diaper-filled cart through the grocery store whilst turning 102 shades of red.

So, I'm skipping the Depends. I doubt I'll regret my decision.

38 Weeks

Flirugiwheglweugfq;owfqoigq

Longest. Week. Ever.

I had something interesting to write about, but I forgot. >:|

I remembered!!

Since I'm now officially full-term (wheeeee), and could conceivably go into labor any day now, I thought analyzing some trademark early labor warnings would be good. Even though using these signs to predict labor is about as accurate as using skunk intestines to tell the future, I guess it's still helpful to be aware that feeling the need to poop all the time might mean something is happening... or not.

So here we go... Labor Warning Signs!

1. Dropping/Lightening

This is one I'm really looking forward to. When the baby is getting ready for delivery, it drops down into your hoo-ha area. This puts more pressure on your lady parts, which I hear is uncomfortable, but it also frees up space for your lungs to expand. And holy shit I don't care how much pressure gets put on my crotch just as long as I can breathe again.

Now, I kind of wonder about this dropping thing... is the not-on-my-lungs feeling consistent no matter how you're positioned? Because I have absolutely no problem breathing when I'm upright (sitting, standing, what have you). I only notice breathing problems when I'm lying down. It makes sleeping difficult.

2. Bye-Bye Mucous Plug

Apparently, it's possible to not even notice this one. I've been on the lookout for mysterious mucousy stuff, but so far, I got nothing. Sighhhh.

3. Pelvic Pressure

Now, I'm not quite sure what exactly is meant by "pelvic pressure." Different websites describe it as different things. I guess, depending on who you are, it could feel like almost anything. Most of these websites agree that pelvic pressure mostly feels like you have to poop or peep all the time. I've felt like I need to peep all the time for like... 3 months, now. Poopin', not so much.

Jake and I went on a walk the other day. It wasn't a particularly strenuous walk. Uphill a little bit, but no big deal. However, every couple of minutes, I would have to stop for a second because it felt like someone was stabbing me in the bladder. It wasn't a "gotta go" feeling, but kind of reminded me of the one UTI I've had. Jake got all excited that I was going into labor, but I assured him that was not the case. I've heard that contractions feel like wicked awful period cramps, and that's not what this felt like at all. I have these same stabbin'-bladder pains almost every time I go from sitting to standing. I can't stand up too fast and when I do, I walk bent over like an old lady for a few steps. It doesn't feel like I have to poo, but it's definitely uncomfy in my pelvic area. I'm going to mention it to the doc when I go next.

4. Braxton Hicks

Practice contractions? Apparently, my uterus is of the opinion that it doesn't need to practice. Then again, maybe it is practicing, but like a boy practices ballet: behind locked doors where no one can see him.

5. Shivering/Trembling

Shivering during labor is apparently a response to the flood of hormones pouring through your veins. I thought it would be in antici

pation.

6. Diarrhea (Cha Cha Cha)

One of the body's preparations for childbirth is o expel all other objects from that area... like doody. Prostoglandins help the cervix to ripen, and they also cause diarrhea. Fun! I guess having diarrhea at home is better than pooping on the hospital bed.

7. Nesting

I might be starting to nest. I cleaned downstairs yesterday, and washed all of the Beast's clothes (didn't fold them, but hey, washing is a start!). I'm going shopping to finish up my registry list today (maybe). Mostly, I'm dusting everything. But I've always hated dust. So maybe I'm not nesting? I don't know.

8. Ruptured Membranes

Also known as "water breaking." Since the Beast is head-down, I'm not afraid of gushing everywhere, since his/her head will be there to block most of the amniotic fluid from coming out. 2-3 tablespoons is the average amount for head-down babies, or so I hear. Also, apparently, only 10% of women experience water breakage before they actually start active labor. Some people like to interpret this as "90% of women need to have their bag of waters artificially stripped by a physician," which is not the case.

9. Effacement/Dilation

I can't exactly check these myself, so I almost didn't include them. Also, you can be 8cm dilated and 80% effaced for weeks and not go into labor, or you can be 0cm 0% in the morning, and go into labor at lunch. It's unpredictable, which is why I'm not too concerned what the doc says my dilation/effacement score is.

10. Contractions

Duh!! I don't know why these websites even include this one of the list of things that might mean you're in labor. For a first-timer, diarrhea might not seem like the most obvious sign of impending labor, but fuckin' contractions are kind of derp. If you're 38+ weeks pregnant and having intense abdominal pain, if your first thought isn't "Oh shit I must be in labor," then you're a goddamned idiot.

Total Slacker...

...or, "Why I Shouldn't Take Online Classes."

Because I'm a slacker.

I thought that was obvious enough. :P

I'm normally a fan of in-classroom lurnin', because I know that if left to my own devices in an online class, I'll be more likely to post on Facebook (or Blogger kekekeke), Google random things, or look at funny pictures of kittehs, goggies, and ugly people.

I logged onto one of my online classes about 30 minutes ago to discover that I have an assignment due tomorrow. I guess I should say HAD an assignment due tomorrow, because I did it real quick. Something about communication. I don't even remember. Yay learning!

Now, I'm going to go watch Hoarders, because the episode that's on tonight has been hailed in the commercials as the skag-nastiest house you'll ever see. And if Hoarders isn't on yet, I'm SO watching Swamp People.

The Baby-Que!

Ok, so first of all, I'm a total dweeb, and I forgot to bring my camera to the Baby-Que. So there are no pics to post. :(

Second of all, it was great! I could tell there were some people who were anxiously awaiting the appearance of baby diapers smeared with melted chocolate, or toilet paper rolls, or a strict ban on the word "baby." Little did they know, they didn't have anything to worry about. I think those games are retarded!

Ever since Saturday, Jake has been increasingly more pro-induction. He has instructed me to hold the baby in if I go into labor on a weekday; only a weekend is good for baby-havin', it would seem. I told him the day of the Beast's arrival (henceforth known as Beast Day) isn't up to me, and that he would have to take it up with the Beast. I think that might prove difficult, since the Beast doesn't speak English yet.

Oh yes! And now that the baby shower is over, it's time to finish up the *shopping* and actually start getting everything ready for Beast Day. Jake and I cleaned up the nursery and the bassinet in our bedroom this morning (the latter is no longer my conveniently-located laundry basket). I put all the Beast's clothing into a hamper for washing. I arranged blankets, burp cloths, boobie hiders, etc, even though I'm sure they're going to be made a mess of the very first day the Beast comes home from the hos-pit-al.

Jake and I also decided on names, finally. Not sharing... yet! We both really like what we've picked and don't want any naysayers ruining our feely-good time.

OK, off I go... to do some thank you notes, and to do price comparison for the rest of the baby stuff we need. Cheapskate Power!

37 Weeks

On time!! Hells yuh.

Sweet Jesus! 37 weeks! I'd like to say that time has flown, but it hasn't. It's been soooo slooooow. Especially these past few weeks. But now there's only 3 weeks to go and I'm kind of freaking out a little bit. In a very short period of time, I'm going to be responsible for a tiny screaming thing. Come oonnnnn motherly instincts!

My Facebook status yesterday read: "When is nesting supposed to kick in? I turned the bassinet into a laundry basket, which is, I believe, the opposite of nesting."

True story.

The crib is currently a receptacle for all the baby clothes, blankets, toys, etc, that I just didn't feel like putting away properly. The Pack 'n Play downstairs holds those same type of items (baby stuff) that hadn't made it upstairs yet.

I guess I'm waiting until after the Baby-Que to really let myself start to get ready. Or perhaps I just lack the motivation because I'm in some kind of weird denial. The giant belly I have isn't being caused by a baby, but rather a tumor. With a heartbeat. Yeah, yeah, that's it.

Doc appointment tomorrow. I get my Group B Strep test (mrrg), and also checked to see where I am as far as effacement, dilation, blah blah blah. I'm expecting the report to be that I am neither effaced nor dilated at all, but a small part of me has been allowed to hope against hope that the doc will say, "Well holy shit, you're practically ready to deliver." Wouldn't that be nice!

Jake's birthday prezzies arrived today, and I quickly realized that there aren't a lot of places around the apartment that I could hide them where he wouldn't stumble across them. So I left them in the box they were delivered in (Amazon.com - squissshhhh with love) and told him that box was off limits because it contained his presents. I told him he could have them now if he wanted to, but he declined. I think I'll give them to him on his actual birthday, or whenever the Beast decides to make his/her exit. Because I think after the Beast is here, Jake's birthday present might slip my mind.

I hate Comcast. There, I said it. We signed up for cable TV last Saturday, and thus far I've been to the Comcast office every day this week, and have changed out the cable box once. I suspect I'm going to have to do it again tomorrow... get a new box, that is. Ours won't work. The first one wouldn't properly display the Guide screen (everything showed up as "To Be Announced"), and we weren't getting some of the channels we're supposed to get. The new box today does even less than that... it's stuck on Channel 1, promising that in just a moment, there will be picture. There isn't. The Comcast box is a goddamn liar.

My hunger is. I must raid the skeeter-eeter for noms before I start to devour the mouse pad. O_o