Homeless Monster

In Salt Lake City, there is an unprecedented number of panhandlers.

If they had signs like this, I might give them change.

When you're driving home from work and you get off the highway, they're perched at the end, near the traffic light. They're also lurking on the corners of popular intersections. Jake and I went to an outdoor mall one evening, and at one intersection, there was a guy begging on one corner, and guy playing guitar on another, a guy dancing on the next, and the final corner had a guy playing a bagpipe for money. It was the loudest corner in the city.

They don't all play music or dance. Mostly, they're holding a sign that says "Homeless and hungry, God Bless You" or something like that.

It's all a racket.


These people aren't homeless, and the only reason they're hungry is because they've been working hard scamming people out of money all day.

I saw a girl that was probably 16, wearing this season's clean fashions, with makeup on and freshly-did hair, standing on the corner with a sign that said, "HALP I HUNGREH" or something like that. She waved cheerfully as I drove past, and I scowled my nastiest scowl at her.

Bitch, at least try to look dejected.

Another intersection sported a pair of panhandlers. He held a sign that said "Hungry family." She sat on the ground with her head in her hands, shoulders slumped, looking like the losing quarterback after the Big Game. Between them was a stroller.

It was empty.

Not only was it empty, it was folded up and leaned against a pole. Come on, people. I expect some effort if you want me to roll down my window and give you some moolah.

Other favorites: the "homeless" guy, who, after being told no, whips out a cell phone, dials someone, and says, "Come get me, man. People are being cheap today."

Also, the 20-year-old guy with the sign that reads "Homeless Vietnam Veteran."

I'm not heartless. I believe in helping people. But I don't want to be someone's free ride. You have to earn my money, panhandlers. You have to get creative. Either be extremely down-and-out, or be extremely funny.

I might give money to the chick above with the ninja sign. I might give money to someone if they had a homeless baby. But I would definitely give money to someone who dressed up in a monster costume, accompanied by the sign, "Homeless Monster, Please Help."

www.chadfrye.com

You know my secret weakness now, everyone. If I see you standing on the street of SLC in a monster costume with a hilariously appropriate sign, I will give you money. I will go to an ATM to get cash and give it all to you. Because there's nothing sadder in this world than a homeless monster. Except maybe drowning puppies, and it would have to be a lot of them.