It Begins

Tomorrow, I'm going to start my Hippie Diet. It will consist of nothing but fruit and veggies, preferably raw but we'll see how that goes. Water, too. Water is important.

Part of this whole diet thing is to lose weight, feel better, yadda yadda. But the other part - the part FOR SCIENCE! - is to determine if going hippie actually does the things the hippies say it will.

I just read today that eating green leafy veggies will 100% prevent breast cancer. I'm still rolling my eyes.

Magical healing properties aside, I have heard good things about all-raw diets. So I'm giving it a go for around 2 weeks. It might only last 11 days, because Jake and I are going skiing on the 11th and there's nothing like ending a ski day with a delicious sammich. Also, I'm having a Mock-Valentine's Day Tea and Fondue Extravaganza on the 12th, and goddammit I will not miss chocolate and cheese fondue!

So starting tomorrow, only raw fruits and veggies. Probably a lot more fruits than veggies because, let's face it, veggies are gross. IT'S THE TRUTH AND YOU KNOW IT. Veggies may be good for you, but they taste like shit.

You said it, kitty.

Some hippie rhetoric about my tastebuds being ruined by sugar and salt, and once they get used to "real" food, veggies will taste good blah blah blah. OK, well when my tastebuds are used to no sugar or salt, I'll eat raw veggies. Until then, noooooo.

Every morning of my new fabulous diet, I will weigh myself and report in, and also report how I feel, how I slept, and how many people I want to strangle. I will not be taking before and after pictures, why? Because Favre before and after pictures, that's why.

Running Commentary - The Lion King

Wormie loves Disney movies, and the Lion King is one she watches a lot because Jake thinks it's awesome. I sat down one day and did a stream-of-consciousness blog post about my thoughts on this movie.

My three key words for the Lion King: fratricide, genocide, incest.

Here we go!

Ok, how iconic is this opening song? I mean, the first two seconds, and you instantly know what song it is and what movie it's from. I love the imagery of the African plains and all the animals and shit. Since there's a shot of Mount Kilimanjaro here, I'm going to assume this movie took place in Kilimanjaro National Park, which is in Tanzania.

The salmon-colored one down by Madagascar.

This mouse is retarded.

Scar skipped the ceremony for Simba's whatever it was, which is a faux pas I suppose. But shouldn't they all have been expecting him to skip it? I mean, he's kind of a dick.

Feline saliva by itself can be toxic to birds. Zazu better watch his ass.

Scar is supposed to be younger? Is he a crackhead? He looks like hell. He should invest in some Olay lotion or something.

"As slippery as your mind is, as the king's brother, you should have been first in line!" This line makes no fucking sense. Zazu was going out of his way to be an asshole here.

Mufasa is obviously trying to pick a fight with Scar.

Zazu and Mufasa jovially discuss murder and body desecration. In the human world, we regard those who murder people and skin them as, uh, monsters.

I understand this whole movie is about the circle of life, but it's really death-heavy. Mufasa talks about dying every five minutes. Someone get this cat some antidepressants, or black eyeliner.

Everything the light touches is their kingdom, except the shadowy place (the elephant graveyard), where Mufasa banished the hyenas. One can only assume the elephant graveyard used to be part of their kingdom (because why not?), and then Mufasa fenced it off and locked the hyenas there. There's no food, no water, and no plants in the elephant graveyard. Mufasa locked the hyenas away into a barren wasteland and is effectively trying to starve them to death.

I like Scar. There, I said it. He's a dick, but his brother wants to skin him and keep his hide around as a rug. Can you blame Scar's attitude toward Mufasa?

Simba, why are you such a liar?

Let's go down our list of adult male lions right now: Mufasa and Scar, who are brothers. The rest of the adult lions are ladies. The two cubs are Simba and Nala. Simba is Mufasa's son, and Nala's dad is... uh... hmm. It's got to be either Mufasa or Scar. My vote is on Mufasa, as he is the King and all. Which makes Simba and Nala half-siblings.

Cue the banjos.

Zazu has informed us that Simba and Nala are betrothed. They're going to get married when they grow up. They're brother and sister. Hey wait a second... is this medieval England?

Simba seems to want to be King for all the wrong reasons. But maybe that's the point. He wants to be King so he can do cool stuff, but he doesn't understand the responsibility that comes with the position. When he grows up, he'll realize blah blah blah. I kinda want to punch Simba in the mouth.

Why are these animals being nice to the lion cubs? Fuckin' kill them. Two less lions on the savannah TO EAT YOU.

Hey, a man taking credit for a woman's ideas. NO WAY!

OK, so the hyenas are supposed to be bad guys. But they've been forced to live in a shithole and they get chased around every time they leave and try to get food. Then, the children of their oppressor shows up IN THEIR LAND. What are they supposed to do? If you said "eat them," you're exactly right.

They call Zazu the majordomo, but when I was a kid, I thought they were calling him the "major dodo."

This is not what Zazu looks like.

The hyenas are chasing the lion cubs with the intent to eat them. The lion cubs scratch the hyenas on the face in self-defense, and somehow that scratch is supposed to incite the hyenas into further anger?

"OK, we're gonna shut up right now!" lolololololol

The way Simba and Zazu act, you'd think Mufasa was about the beat the everloving shit out of Simba. I get the impression Mufasa is an abusive parent when the cameras aren't there.

More death talk. "One day, I'm going to die, Simba. You can't be King until I die, by the way. You can't wait to be King, right? Hmmm."

Hyenas don't dangle at the bottom of the food chain. They're actually pretty efficient predators in real life. Hyenas have the most powerful bite of any mammal on the planet.

They're also the snooglie-woogliest!

Shenzi's getting off to Mufasa's name.

All the hyenas want is food. Their chorus in this song is "we'll have food, lots of food, we repeat, endless meat." And Scar ends the first part of the song with the promise, "stick with me, and you'll never go hungry again!" When considering future leaders, it kinda says something about the current state of affairs when they'll be loyal to you because you promise them nothing but food.

Nazi imagery. I guess that makes Scar Hitler. I don't buy it. He doesn't have the mustache for it.

Scar, here's an easier plan that hinges less on chance: lure Simba to the empty, witness-free gorge and kill him. Set loose the wildebeest herd to smash his body up and cover up the real murder. Meanwhile, tell Mufasa Simba is in the gorge. While Mufasa is busy searching for Simba in the sea of wildebeest, push Mufasa over the edge and kill him. BAM.

Simba, at the beginning of the stampede, when you see them coming, you're standing right next to a tree. A tall, sturdy tree. Climb it. Be safe.

Mufasa, you don't need to climb all the way to the top. You just need to hang onto the wall long enough for the stampede to pass by. Which is, like, 10 more seconds.

This scene is awful. Consider if they were people instead of lions. Dead body? Disney movie? WTF?

Simba is lying next to his father's dead body, and Scar walks up. Rather than mind-fucking him with guilt, why don't you just kill him? You order his death in about 45 seconds, anyway. Do it yourself and make sure it gets done right.

Poor Sarabi. She just found out her husband and son were killed in the same day. She's in a world of shit right now. Why is the camera focusing on Nala? Fuck you, Nala, you don't know pain. Talk to Sarabi.

So Timon and Pumba make it a habit of harassing buzzards when the birds are just trying to clean up a carcass? Kind of a dick move.

I understand that Simba is depressed about his dad and all, but wandering away from an oasis BACK INTO THE DESERT THAT ALMOST JUST KILLED HIM is not the best idea.

Pumba had bad gas and his entire family ditched him. Jake is really lucky I'm not Pumba's family.

We know Pumba's story, but what about Timon?

Lions don't eat hippo on a regular basis, as far as I know. As far as I know, hippos are responsible for more annual human deaths than crocodiles.

Simba would need to eat a fuckton of bugs in order to grow to the size of an adult lion.

There's no food and no water at Pride Rock. I'm curious to know how the lack of water is Scar's fault. It's not like the King controls the rain or anything. Unless we add in a dash of divine kingship thing, but we won't, because they're animals. If you believe in divine ruleryness, you also probably believe animals don't have souls and therefore are not eligible for divine anything.

Timon and Pumba are making fun of Simba's opinion on what the stars are, even after he was already obviously apprehensive about telling them. Then Timon says, "was it something I said?" Yes, fucktard, it was.

Rafiki can look at leaves and tell they came from Simba. Somehow.

How awkward would that have been if Nala killed and ate Pumba?

Timon is encouraging Simba to murder one of his own kind.

"Who are you?" "It's me, Simba. I'M YOUR BROTHER, REMEMBER?"

Paddle faster!

I think Nala should apologize for trying to kill Pumba.

Is Simba the King of this particular oasis? Well, technically, Scar would be the King. It's pretty awesome there. Why doesn't Scar just move to this oasis?

This is the lion equivalent of making out. YOU'RE BROTHER AND SISTER.

If I was one of these lionesses under Scar and he was destroying everything, I'd pull a French Revolution on his ass and fucking kill him. Or at the very least, I'd just peace out in the middle of the night.

LOL boobs.

Stop trying to be so emo, Simba.

Simba must have met Rafiki at some point during his childhood at Pride Rock.

Rafiki is awesome.

Rafiki sees dead people. Lions. Whatever.

Simba sees dead people, too! Lions. Whatever.

Mufasa was kind of a jerk who tried to starve some of his subjects because they were ugly. I can't get into this whole scene with him coming out of the cloud.

I want to be an insane old monkey who clocks people over the head with a stick.

So Simba just leaves without telling Timon, Pumba, or Nala where he's going? This is the fucking African savannah, Simba. As far as they know, you got eaten by a crocodile (or more statistically, you got killed by a hippo).

Are there deserts like this in Tanzania? According to the Internet, no, no there are not.

This place looks like it's been through a nuclear holocaust. There's no way Scar is entirely to blame for all this, especially the water thing. He's a lion, not a dark wizard.

Pictured: not Scar the lion.

Timon should have said, "We're going to fight your uncle for this place? Look Simba, send Nala in to tell the other lionesses to fake like they're going on a hunt. Have them meet us over the next ridge, and we'll all go back to the oasis and live like hippies forever."

Poor Sarabi. She probably still cries herself to sleep every night over Mufasa and Simba.

Scar thinks it's more probable that Mufasa came back from the dead than Simba grew up?

Sarabi says, "You're alive? How can that be?" Don't question it, bitch! Your kid's alive!

Scar, what can you expect from outsourcing?

I really can't understand what was so horrible about Simba "causing" Mufasa's death. Simba happened to be in a gorge when a wildebeest stampede occurred. Simba didn't even start the stampede. Being mad at Simba is like being mad at someone for happening to exist in the same place as a tornado that killed some people. Also, in light of what Scar's done to the place, I doubt the lionesses would give much of a shit about the accidental death of Mufasa.

Never reveal your ultimate plan, no matter how close to victory you are.

Why couldn't the lionesses have kicked hyena ass without Simba? He doesn't do much besides get slapped around by Scar. The monkey does some Monkey Fu, and Timon and Pumba kick a couple hyenas. All in all, not much. The lionesses are the badest ass.

How long has Scar lived on Pride Rock? He picked the worst exit of all time.

Scar tries to blame the hyenas after he gleefully admitted to killing Mufasa.

Simba obviously didn't learn a thing from his own exile. Namely, exiling someone only works until they come back and oust you from your throne. Scar seems like just the guy to come back. Don't exile him, Simba... kill him. It will save your children heartache.

Scar being eaten by hyenas. It's the ciirrrrrrrrcle of liiiiiiiiffffeeee!

Look, everyone no longer even cares that Simba killed Mufasa.

I guess ascending the rock is like his coronation. ROAR! I ARE TEH KING!

Incest baby!

THE END!

Running Commentary - Beauty and the Beast

Disney's Beauty and the Beast was a pretty sweet movie. It's not a secret that I hate Disney princesses, but I don't hate Belle like I do the others. It's probably because she's literate and actually, you know, does stuff. I like the "beauty is on the inside" thing, but don't like the "if you're dating a total asshole, just be really nice and you can change him" thing. Because sometimes, you can't. Although, the Beast wasn't really a sociopath like Gaston, he was just an angry enchanted child. More on that in a minute.

First of all, this fairy is a bitch. She shows up looking all gross and nasty and wants to come inside. For all the prince knows, she's got leprosy or the Plague or something.

And a rose? Come on. Plus, she not only cursed the prince, she cursed everyone else in the castle. If that's not total bitchiness, I don't know what is.

Also, prince, when a mysterious old woman gives you cryptic warnings, you might want to at least let her sleep in the stable or something.

Why 21st birthday? Back then, what was the significance of the age 21? Not much. Kind of an arbitrary time limit.

Who else thinks this movie would have been better if it was about the forbidden relationship between Belle and the bookstore owner?

"Fire of my loins!"

Belle and her dad obviously moved to this village from elsewhere, and then she goes on to say "there must be more than this provincial life." Duh there is. You came from somewhere else. Put down your book and pay attention for a minute.

If a sheep took a bite of my new book, I'd punch that sheep in its goddamn face.

This is what sheep look like in France.

Does this purple dress lady have cancer? Why is she bald?

Is it really wise for Gaston to be firing a musket in the middle of town?

Belle, the entire village just burst into loud and coordinated song and dance, and you don't even look up from your book. That's more interesting than whatever your book is about.

Le Fou is a cock blocker. He's making fun of Belle's father in front of Belle and Gaston. He knows Gaston will laugh, and he knows Belle will hate Gaston for laughing. Cock block.

Belle's father wants to be a world-famous inventer with a machine that cuts firewood? Come on, man. Be a little more forward-thinking. Invent the combustion engine already.

The name Philippe is from the Greek name meaning "horse lover." The more you know!

Oh yeeahhhhhh...

HEY I know! Let's take a shortcut down the spooky and malevolent path in the dark forest! That's never had bad results for anyone ever before!

That's a pretty bad ass castle. Now that I know of it, what was the Beast the prince of? The Middle of Nowhere? Didn't he have subjects that didn't live in the castle, therefore were not transformed into clocks and chairs and shit? Where are they? Didn't they notice their ruling family just up and vanished?

I fuckin' love Cogsworth.

The Beast's entire crew of servants and people were turned into household objects. But he surely had household objects beforehand. Shouldn't that mean that now he should have a zillion household objects, some of which are people transformed into chairs and some are actually just chairs?

"There's a stranger here." Duh. You just watched him walk in. Thanks, Your Royal Obviousness.

If a beasty creature capable of speech stomped at me in a castle filled with talking lamps and clocks, I wouldn't try to reason with it. I'd shit myself and pass out.

This wedding scene is a rape in progress. Even if she started screaming, the guys outside would probably just high five each other and listen in on the rapey goodness.

She says, "I want adventure in the great wild somewhere." Keep that in mind for later in the movie. You know, when she just gets married to a dude who used to be a monster, and they pretty much just dance around in his castle. Yep. Adventure.

Philippe didn't take Belle's dad to the castle. How did he take Belle to it?

I know it's a girrrrrrl! Goddammit, I love Cogsworth.

Bitch it's not THAT dark. You can clearly see that whoever is in the tower with you is like 10 feet tall and built like Andre the Giant.

Belle's father says, "I'm old. I've lived my life." Good point, Belle. But I guess her reasoning is, "This guy's giant and hairy, but how much worse than Gaston can he be? At least this castle is bad ass."

"I hope you like it here. Even though you're being held against your will and have a lifetime of prison to look forward to." :D

"NO ONE says no to Gaston." Especially not pretty girls, if you know what I'm saying. Belle's the prettiest girl in the village because Gaston raped the others away.

For a big butch dude, Gaston sure mopes like a teenaged girl.

"Belle, why don't you love me??"
*cry sniff sob*

I'm pretty sure Le Fou is gay for Gaston.

I don't know what this means, but it's what shows up when
you do a Google search for "Le Fou is gay for Gaston."

Is it really wise for Gaston to be firing a musket in the middle of a tavern?

So Maurice comes in and says Belle got kidnapped, and they all laugh at him. Sure, he said a beast did it, but she's still been kidnapped. Gaston is in love with Belle, right? So wouldn't he be like, "Hey, Belle got kidnapped? Maybe it wasn't a beast, but perhaps we should investigate this anyway." How would the movie have turned out if Gaston had attempted to kill the Beast/rescue Belle right then instead of after Belle started to like the Beast? She probably would have banged Gaston right there in the castle before the Beast's body got cold.

Why is the teapot in charge of making dinner? Shouldn't the stove be in charge? Or at least a pan or a pot or something?

I like how Lumiere is apparently a fire mage. Last time I checked, candles can't spontaneously generate flame.

Before he became a Beast, was the prince a fuckin retard? Why do they have to give him etiquette lessons? I'm not a royal or anything, but I think royalty is probably the most etiquette-wise group of people on the planet. And he's French to boot. He should be the most prim and proper Beast in Europe.

"We do not find your lack of etiquette amusing."

Sweet Jesus, he can spy on anyone. "Show me the girl! In the shower. Yeaahhhh that's how the Beast likes it. Dirty girl."

I love Cogsworth.

Who's running the lights in this place? Why does the Beast need a thousand multicolored spotlights in his dining room?

I've been to France several times and never saw any dancing silverware.

"If you're stressed, it's fine dining we suggest." Eating disorder much?

They've been rusting for ten years. The prince is almost 21. Math tells me that when he was cursed, he was TEN YEARS OLD. That fairy at the beginning? Yeah. Total bitch.

She didn't even eat anything.

If it's not Baroque, don't fix it. Cogsworth is the shit.

If a giant angry beast tells you to stay out of the west wing, you should probably stay out of the west wing. It's your first night in an enchanted castle, so poking around the haunted and dilapidated west wing is very unwise.

The door knocker looks like it could come alive and BITE YOU. Go to the library, bitch!

Oh look, a floating magical rose. Let's take off its protective cover and fuck with it. That sounds like a great idea!

What have I learned from this exchange? If you get kidnapped, just do everything your kidnapper expressly forbids, and he will demand that you get out.

The Beast saves her from wolves, but what was he doing out there in the first place? Yep. Following her. Chasing her down, more like it. You made a deal, Belle! Back to the castle with you!

How did she get the Beast on Philippe?

Water on the cuts hurts more than him licking it? He's a pussy.

"Thank you for saving my life. Even though you were obviously following me in an attempt to catch me and bring me back to be a prisoner."

Hey Gaston, have you noticed Belle isn't around? Look, you're even inside her house and no one is home. Maybe Maurice was on to something.

The Beast was a prince. Even though he was ten years old, he still would have been taught table manners and how to eat with a spoon.

Hey, it's the Stockholm Syndrome song!

I'd give Disney a million dollars to reanimate this scene with the Beast eating the bird that just jumped into his paws.

The new song. I'm ambivalent toward it.

Cogsworth opens his door both ways. WINK.

She read Romeo and Juliet and ended it with a smile. Clearly, she didn't understand the story. Also, the Beast is a fucking prince who can't read??

If you ever watched this movie and found it dumb that the Beast is so nervous around a girl, keep in mind that the last time he was human, he was ten years old. It all makes sense now.

They don't say how much time has passed, but it's been a while, right? Maurice has been wandering around in the woods for a few weeks at least. He's in pretty good shape, considering. Wouldn't it have made more sense for Belle to bring her dad back to the Beast's castle? He has about a thousand servants, I'm sure there's at least five who know medicine better than she does. Also, CASTLE. Beast, go with her and fuckin' help, then bring them both back.

"Here, Belle. Let me encourage your horse to run faster by roaring in the most horrific way possible."

Good plan, Belle. Wander around and yell "papa" until you stumble upon your father's body. Good thinking.

Belle thinks it's funny that Chip is in her bag. Does she not know that he's Mrs. Pots' child, and must be missed at the castle?

Maurice, you might not want to go prancing around in the middle of a mob that wants to haul you off to the insane asylum.

Gaston has never even heard of the Beast before this moment. Why do the townspeople suddenly accept him as an expert on the Beast even though Belle, who has actually met him, says otherwise?

Ten years ago, the ruling family of this area of France disappeared. All these townspeople are old enough to remember when this happened, and now they walk up to a haunted castle. 2+2=?

The Beast had a mirror that allows you to see whatever you want. Shouldn't Gaston and his crew assume the Beast has more magical stuff lying around? I'd be a little more careful if I were them.

JESUS CHRIST, POSSESSED FURNITURE!!

If the average person broke into a haunted castle and was attacked by sentient furniture, I'm pretty sure they'd run away as fast as possible, not stay and try to fight it.

Cogsworth is awesome!

Gaston just busted this thing off the side of the castle and now wants to club the Beast with it? How much damage could it really do if he was able to just snap it off?

Get a haircut, Gaston.

Gaston and the Beast are fighting over Belle. Maybe they should ask her what she wants.

Belle calls him "Beast." He's got to have a proper name. Since he's French it's probably Louis or Charles of Philip or something. He's about to turn into a person, so she'll no longer be able to call him "Beast." What's his REAL name?! (According to IMDB, the Beast's real name is Adam. That's not very French. I'm going to rename him Louis.)

SHE JUST WATCHED HIM TRANSFORM MAGICALLY FROM A BEAST INTO A MAN, WHY DOES SHE NEED TO STARE INTO HIS EYES FOR CONFIRMATION????

Gross, get a room.

Everyone else is being magically transformed. Shouldn't the Beast get some new clothes or at least some freakin' shoes?

Mrs. Potts is like 80 years old, and her son Chip is like 8. WTF.

Have I mentioned how awesome Cogsworth is?

Yes Chip, you still have to sleep in the cupboard. Where you belong.

The End!

The Conclusion (?) of the Diaper Rash Saga

I think the tyrannical rein of the Diaper Rash is ending.

Fingers crossed. O_O

OK, so, Camille had nary a rash before she turned 12 months old. We used mostly just cornstarch powder with a little Butt Paste thrown in here and there, and her bottom was as smooth and blemish-free as a baby's bottom should be.

When she turned one, the pediatrician said we could start giving her moo-moo milk, and we did. Like, twice. And then he butt exploded, and the Diaper Rash arrived. The arrival of the Diaper Rash was when we had to stop using strictly cornstarch and break out the medicated diaper cream.

I determined via Googlesleuthing that Camille was lactose intolerant, so we cut lactose (milk, ice cream, etc) from her diet. Immediately, her diarrhea went away and her poop stopped smelling like vinegar. All was well!

Or so I thought. The Diaper Rash refused to go away. I kept diligently putting A+D Ointment on it, hoping it would take a hint and GTFO.

The Rash would get better and worse and better and worse, and then aaaaaalllmost go away, but not entirely, and then get worse again. I took Camille to the pediatrician a dozen times for the Dreaded Rash. She got several yeast infections and one bacterial infection from the Rash, and she's had more topical medicine on her ass than you have had on your entire body.

For close to five months, we've battled the Rash with every ointment that is sold for diaper rash. None of them seemed to make any difference. The pediatrician suggested her skin was sensitive to the diapers, so we switched diaper brands. We tried cloth diapers, all-natural hippie diapers, regular Pampers/Huggies diapers, and generic grocery store diapers. The Rash persisted no matter what diaper we used.

I worked both days last weekend, so Jake was left in charge of Camille. He didn't put the ointment on her butt... and the Rash got better.

Jake put the ointment on that evening, and noticed the Rash came back. He then put 2 and 2 together, and determined the ointment was giving her the rash.

When he told me, I did what I always do: ask Google. I sat down with a tube of the diaper rash cream and started Googling the ingredients and any allergies associated with them.

I got a hit.

Dimethicone.

Apparently, dimethicone is a relatively common allergen. It causes skin rashes and eczema-like symptoms.

We ran this by the pediatrician and he said it was very possible. So we've gone through her stuff and cut out anything with dimethicone as an ingredient. Fortunately, her eczema already forced us to use all dye- and fragrance-free detergent and soap, so the only dimethicone-thing she was coming into regular contact with was the diaper rash ointment.

It's only been a couple days, and the Rash is all but gone. She still has little red marks on her butt, but the rein of the Rash is over. I think. I hope. Good riddance.

How Nerd Can You Go?

For those of you who missed the bulletin, I am studying chemical engineering. They generally do stuff like this

but can also be found doing sweet stuff like this

Guess which one I'm
aiming for?

True story: in my chem class, there are about 5 chemical engineering majors, and we have all formed a group in the corner where we scowl condescendingly at the lesser students (and also make fart jokes). When we all first met up, one of the first questions passed around the group was, "What job do you want after you get your degree?"

"I want to go on to study nuclear engineering and develop better ways to safely get rid of nuclear waste," said one member of the ChemE group.

"I want to get into developing new types of materials for use in medical settings," said another.

"I want to be a mad scientist," I said.

And with a lab coat like THIS....

..... I think I'm well on my way.

It should be noted that they all thought "mad scientist" was an acceptable profession to go into with a chemical engineering degree.

Anyway, part of being an engineer of any flavor (ChemE's are chocolate, I have decided, and EE's can be jalapeno) is learning how to use MatLab.

MatLab is short for Matrix Laboratory (you must pronounce it la-BOHR-uh-tohr-ee), and it is just as awful as you're imagining.

MatLab logo jacked from MathWorks

For people who don't give a rat's ass about engineering or programming, MatLab is like the second circle of hell, because it's painful and confusing and serves no purpose. For people who aspire to be engineers, MatLab is like the sixth circle of hell, because it's painful and confusing and YOU NEED TO KNOW HOW TO USE IT SO SADDLE UP.

I'm not a MatLab whiz by any means, but I am managing to have a little fun in it. MatLab is kinda like an unnecessarily-complicated calculator. One of the things you have to do when entering in an equation is define any variables you might have. If you took algebra, you are familiar with a variable. The most insanely basic equation I can think of that demonstrates this feature of MatLab is the following:

x = 5
y = 7
x + y
to which MatLab will reply
ans = 12, fool.

Well, you don't have to call your variables x or y. You can call them anything you want. ANYTHING. One of my homework problems looks like this:

gonna = 100

you = 0.9

up = 10

give = exp(1)
never = gonna*give^(you*up)

If anyone cares, the problem is for determining exponential growth, and the actual definitions for the values are:

never = current population

gonna = original population

you = continuous growth rate

up = time

give = e (which is like pi)

I only included one of these for the first homework. I want to see what I get on it before I do this more. Hopefully the TA grading it has a sense of humor and doesn't hate Rick Astley. Finger crossed that I will be able to invent and subsequently blog about more MatLab shenanigans in the coming semester!