My three key words for the Lion King: fratricide, genocide, incest.
Here we go!
Ok, how iconic is this opening song? I mean, the first two seconds, and you instantly know what song it is and what movie it's from. I love the imagery of the African plains and all the animals and shit. Since there's a shot of Mount Kilimanjaro here, I'm going to assume this movie took place in Kilimanjaro National Park, which is in Tanzania.
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| The salmon-colored one down by Madagascar. |
This mouse is retarded.
Scar skipped the ceremony for Simba's whatever it was, which is a faux pas I suppose. But shouldn't they all have been expecting him to skip it? I mean, he's kind of a dick.
Feline saliva by itself can be toxic to birds. Zazu better watch his ass.
Scar is supposed to be younger? Is he a crackhead? He looks like hell. He should invest in some Olay lotion or something.
"As slippery as your mind is, as the king's brother, you should have been first in line!" This line makes no fucking sense. Zazu was going out of his way to be an asshole here.
Mufasa is obviously trying to pick a fight with Scar.
Zazu and Mufasa jovially discuss murder and body desecration. In the human world, we regard those who murder people and skin them as, uh, monsters.
I understand this whole movie is about the circle of life, but it's really death-heavy. Mufasa talks about dying every five minutes. Someone get this cat some antidepressants, or black eyeliner.
Everything the light touches is their kingdom, except the shadowy place (the elephant graveyard), where Mufasa banished the hyenas. One can only assume the elephant graveyard used to be part of their kingdom (because why not?), and then Mufasa fenced it off and locked the hyenas there. There's no food, no water, and no plants in the elephant graveyard. Mufasa locked the hyenas away into a barren wasteland and is effectively trying to starve them to death.
I like Scar. There, I said it. He's a dick, but his brother wants to skin him and keep his hide around as a rug. Can you blame Scar's attitude toward Mufasa?
Simba, why are you such a liar?
Let's go down our list of adult male lions right now: Mufasa and Scar, who are brothers. The rest of the adult lions are ladies. The two cubs are Simba and Nala. Simba is Mufasa's son, and Nala's dad is... uh... hmm. It's got to be either Mufasa or Scar. My vote is on Mufasa, as he is the King and all. Which makes Simba and Nala half-siblings.
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| Cue the banjos. |
Zazu has informed us that Simba and Nala are betrothed. They're going to get married when they grow up. They're brother and sister. Hey wait a second... is this medieval England?
Simba seems to want to be King for all the wrong reasons. But maybe that's the point. He wants to be King so he can do cool stuff, but he doesn't understand the responsibility that comes with the position. When he grows up, he'll realize blah blah blah. I kinda want to punch Simba in the mouth.
Why are these animals being nice to the lion cubs? Fuckin' kill them. Two less lions on the savannah TO EAT YOU.
Hey, a man taking credit for a woman's ideas. NO WAY!
OK, so the hyenas are supposed to be bad guys. But they've been forced to live in a shithole and they get chased around every time they leave and try to get food. Then, the children of their oppressor shows up IN THEIR LAND. What are they supposed to do? If you said "eat them," you're exactly right.
They call Zazu the majordomo, but when I was a kid, I thought they were calling him the "major dodo."
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| This is not what Zazu looks like. |
The hyenas are chasing the lion cubs with the intent to eat them. The lion cubs scratch the hyenas on the face in self-defense, and somehow that scratch is supposed to incite the hyenas into further anger?
"OK, we're gonna shut up right now!" lolololololol
The way Simba and Zazu act, you'd think Mufasa was about the beat the everloving shit out of Simba. I get the impression Mufasa is an abusive parent when the cameras aren't there.
More death talk. "One day, I'm going to die, Simba. You can't be King until I die, by the way. You can't wait to be King, right? Hmmm."
Hyenas don't dangle at the bottom of the food chain. They're actually pretty efficient predators in real life. Hyenas have the most powerful bite of any mammal on the planet.
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| They're also the snooglie-woogliest! |
Shenzi's getting off to Mufasa's name.
All the hyenas want is food. Their chorus in this song is "we'll have food, lots of food, we repeat, endless meat." And Scar ends the first part of the song with the promise, "stick with me, and you'll never go hungry again!" When considering future leaders, it kinda says something about the current state of affairs when they'll be loyal to you because you promise them nothing but food.
Nazi imagery. I guess that makes Scar Hitler. I don't buy it. He doesn't have the mustache for it.
Scar, here's an easier plan that hinges less on chance: lure Simba to the empty, witness-free gorge and kill him. Set loose the wildebeest herd to smash his body up and cover up the real murder. Meanwhile, tell Mufasa Simba is in the gorge. While Mufasa is busy searching for Simba in the sea of wildebeest, push Mufasa over the edge and kill him. BAM.
Simba, at the beginning of the stampede, when you see them coming, you're standing right next to a tree. A tall, sturdy tree. Climb it. Be safe.
Mufasa, you don't need to climb all the way to the top. You just need to hang onto the wall long enough for the stampede to pass by. Which is, like, 10 more seconds.
This scene is awful. Consider if they were people instead of lions. Dead body? Disney movie? WTF?
Simba is lying next to his father's dead body, and Scar walks up. Rather than mind-fucking him with guilt, why don't you just kill him? You order his death in about 45 seconds, anyway. Do it yourself and make sure it gets done right.
Poor Sarabi. She just found out her husband and son were killed in the same day. She's in a world of shit right now. Why is the camera focusing on Nala? Fuck you, Nala, you don't know pain. Talk to Sarabi.
So Timon and Pumba make it a habit of harassing buzzards when the birds are just trying to clean up a carcass? Kind of a dick move.
I understand that Simba is depressed about his dad and all, but wandering away from an oasis BACK INTO THE DESERT THAT ALMOST JUST KILLED HIM is not the best idea.
Pumba had bad gas and his entire family ditched him. Jake is really lucky I'm not Pumba's family.
We know Pumba's story, but what about Timon?
Lions don't eat hippo on a regular basis, as far as I know. As far as I know, hippos are responsible for more annual human deaths than crocodiles.
Simba would need to eat a fuckton of bugs in order to grow to the size of an adult lion.
There's no food and no water at Pride Rock. I'm curious to know how the lack of water is Scar's fault. It's not like the King controls the rain or anything. Unless we add in a dash of divine kingship thing, but we won't, because they're animals. If you believe in divine ruleryness, you also probably believe animals don't have souls and therefore are not eligible for divine anything.
Timon and Pumba are making fun of Simba's opinion on what the stars are, even after he was already obviously apprehensive about telling them. Then Timon says, "was it something I said?" Yes, fucktard, it was.
Rafiki can look at leaves and tell they came from Simba. Somehow.
How awkward would that have been if Nala killed and ate Pumba?
Timon is encouraging Simba to murder one of his own kind.
"Who are you?" "It's me, Simba. I'M YOUR BROTHER, REMEMBER?"
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| Paddle faster! |
I think Nala should apologize for trying to kill Pumba.
Is Simba the King of this particular oasis? Well, technically, Scar would be the King. It's pretty awesome there. Why doesn't Scar just move to this oasis?
This is the lion equivalent of making out. YOU'RE BROTHER AND SISTER.
If I was one of these lionesses under Scar and he was destroying everything, I'd pull a French Revolution on his ass and fucking kill him. Or at the very least, I'd just peace out in the middle of the night.
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| LOL boobs. |
Stop trying to be so emo, Simba.
Simba must have met Rafiki at some point during his childhood at Pride Rock.
Rafiki is awesome.
Rafiki sees dead people. Lions. Whatever.
Simba sees dead people, too! Lions. Whatever.
Mufasa was kind of a jerk who tried to starve some of his subjects because they were ugly. I can't get into this whole scene with him coming out of the cloud.
I want to be an insane old monkey who clocks people over the head with a stick.
So Simba just leaves without telling Timon, Pumba, or Nala where he's going? This is the fucking African savannah, Simba. As far as they know, you got eaten by a crocodile (or more statistically, you got killed by a hippo).
Are there deserts like this in Tanzania? According to the Internet, no, no there are not.
This place looks like it's been through a nuclear holocaust. There's no way Scar is entirely to blame for all this, especially the water thing. He's a lion, not a dark wizard.
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| Pictured: not Scar the lion. |
Timon should have said, "We're going to fight your uncle for this place? Look Simba, send Nala in to tell the other lionesses to fake like they're going on a hunt. Have them meet us over the next ridge, and we'll all go back to the oasis and live like hippies forever."
Poor Sarabi. She probably still cries herself to sleep every night over Mufasa and Simba.
Scar thinks it's more probable that Mufasa came back from the dead than Simba grew up?
Sarabi says, "You're alive? How can that be?" Don't question it, bitch! Your kid's alive!
Scar, what can you expect from outsourcing?
I really can't understand what was so horrible about Simba "causing" Mufasa's death. Simba happened to be in a gorge when a wildebeest stampede occurred. Simba didn't even start the stampede. Being mad at Simba is like being mad at someone for happening to exist in the same place as a tornado that killed some people. Also, in light of what Scar's done to the place, I doubt the lionesses would give much of a shit about the accidental death of Mufasa.
Never reveal your ultimate plan, no matter how close to victory you are.
Why couldn't the lionesses have kicked hyena ass without Simba? He doesn't do much besides get slapped around by Scar. The monkey does some Monkey Fu, and Timon and Pumba kick a couple hyenas. All in all, not much. The lionesses are the badest ass.
How long has Scar lived on Pride Rock? He picked the worst exit of all time.
Scar tries to blame the hyenas after he gleefully admitted to killing Mufasa.
Simba obviously didn't learn a thing from his own exile. Namely, exiling someone only works until they come back and oust you from your throne. Scar seems like just the guy to come back. Don't exile him, Simba... kill him. It will save your children heartache.
Scar being eaten by hyenas. It's the ciirrrrrrrrcle of liiiiiiiiffffeeee!
Look, everyone no longer even cares that Simba killed Mufasa.
I guess ascending the rock is like his coronation. ROAR! I ARE TEH KING!
Incest baby!
THE END!
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