Running Commentary - Beauty and the Beast

Disney's Beauty and the Beast was a pretty sweet movie. It's not a secret that I hate Disney princesses, but I don't hate Belle like I do the others. It's probably because she's literate and actually, you know, does stuff. I like the "beauty is on the inside" thing, but don't like the "if you're dating a total asshole, just be really nice and you can change him" thing. Because sometimes, you can't. Although, the Beast wasn't really a sociopath like Gaston, he was just an angry enchanted child. More on that in a minute.

First of all, this fairy is a bitch. She shows up looking all gross and nasty and wants to come inside. For all the prince knows, she's got leprosy or the Plague or something.

And a rose? Come on. Plus, she not only cursed the prince, she cursed everyone else in the castle. If that's not total bitchiness, I don't know what is.

Also, prince, when a mysterious old woman gives you cryptic warnings, you might want to at least let her sleep in the stable or something.

Why 21st birthday? Back then, what was the significance of the age 21? Not much. Kind of an arbitrary time limit.

Who else thinks this movie would have been better if it was about the forbidden relationship between Belle and the bookstore owner?

"Fire of my loins!"

Belle and her dad obviously moved to this village from elsewhere, and then she goes on to say "there must be more than this provincial life." Duh there is. You came from somewhere else. Put down your book and pay attention for a minute.

If a sheep took a bite of my new book, I'd punch that sheep in its goddamn face.

This is what sheep look like in France.

Does this purple dress lady have cancer? Why is she bald?

Is it really wise for Gaston to be firing a musket in the middle of town?

Belle, the entire village just burst into loud and coordinated song and dance, and you don't even look up from your book. That's more interesting than whatever your book is about.

Le Fou is a cock blocker. He's making fun of Belle's father in front of Belle and Gaston. He knows Gaston will laugh, and he knows Belle will hate Gaston for laughing. Cock block.

Belle's father wants to be a world-famous inventer with a machine that cuts firewood? Come on, man. Be a little more forward-thinking. Invent the combustion engine already.

The name Philippe is from the Greek name meaning "horse lover." The more you know!

Oh yeeahhhhhh...

HEY I know! Let's take a shortcut down the spooky and malevolent path in the dark forest! That's never had bad results for anyone ever before!

That's a pretty bad ass castle. Now that I know of it, what was the Beast the prince of? The Middle of Nowhere? Didn't he have subjects that didn't live in the castle, therefore were not transformed into clocks and chairs and shit? Where are they? Didn't they notice their ruling family just up and vanished?

I fuckin' love Cogsworth.

The Beast's entire crew of servants and people were turned into household objects. But he surely had household objects beforehand. Shouldn't that mean that now he should have a zillion household objects, some of which are people transformed into chairs and some are actually just chairs?

"There's a stranger here." Duh. You just watched him walk in. Thanks, Your Royal Obviousness.

If a beasty creature capable of speech stomped at me in a castle filled with talking lamps and clocks, I wouldn't try to reason with it. I'd shit myself and pass out.

This wedding scene is a rape in progress. Even if she started screaming, the guys outside would probably just high five each other and listen in on the rapey goodness.

She says, "I want adventure in the great wild somewhere." Keep that in mind for later in the movie. You know, when she just gets married to a dude who used to be a monster, and they pretty much just dance around in his castle. Yep. Adventure.

Philippe didn't take Belle's dad to the castle. How did he take Belle to it?

I know it's a girrrrrrl! Goddammit, I love Cogsworth.

Bitch it's not THAT dark. You can clearly see that whoever is in the tower with you is like 10 feet tall and built like Andre the Giant.

Belle's father says, "I'm old. I've lived my life." Good point, Belle. But I guess her reasoning is, "This guy's giant and hairy, but how much worse than Gaston can he be? At least this castle is bad ass."

"I hope you like it here. Even though you're being held against your will and have a lifetime of prison to look forward to." :D

"NO ONE says no to Gaston." Especially not pretty girls, if you know what I'm saying. Belle's the prettiest girl in the village because Gaston raped the others away.

For a big butch dude, Gaston sure mopes like a teenaged girl.

"Belle, why don't you love me??"
*cry sniff sob*

I'm pretty sure Le Fou is gay for Gaston.

I don't know what this means, but it's what shows up when
you do a Google search for "Le Fou is gay for Gaston."

Is it really wise for Gaston to be firing a musket in the middle of a tavern?

So Maurice comes in and says Belle got kidnapped, and they all laugh at him. Sure, he said a beast did it, but she's still been kidnapped. Gaston is in love with Belle, right? So wouldn't he be like, "Hey, Belle got kidnapped? Maybe it wasn't a beast, but perhaps we should investigate this anyway." How would the movie have turned out if Gaston had attempted to kill the Beast/rescue Belle right then instead of after Belle started to like the Beast? She probably would have banged Gaston right there in the castle before the Beast's body got cold.

Why is the teapot in charge of making dinner? Shouldn't the stove be in charge? Or at least a pan or a pot or something?

I like how Lumiere is apparently a fire mage. Last time I checked, candles can't spontaneously generate flame.

Before he became a Beast, was the prince a fuckin retard? Why do they have to give him etiquette lessons? I'm not a royal or anything, but I think royalty is probably the most etiquette-wise group of people on the planet. And he's French to boot. He should be the most prim and proper Beast in Europe.

"We do not find your lack of etiquette amusing."

Sweet Jesus, he can spy on anyone. "Show me the girl! In the shower. Yeaahhhh that's how the Beast likes it. Dirty girl."

I love Cogsworth.

Who's running the lights in this place? Why does the Beast need a thousand multicolored spotlights in his dining room?

I've been to France several times and never saw any dancing silverware.

"If you're stressed, it's fine dining we suggest." Eating disorder much?

They've been rusting for ten years. The prince is almost 21. Math tells me that when he was cursed, he was TEN YEARS OLD. That fairy at the beginning? Yeah. Total bitch.

She didn't even eat anything.

If it's not Baroque, don't fix it. Cogsworth is the shit.

If a giant angry beast tells you to stay out of the west wing, you should probably stay out of the west wing. It's your first night in an enchanted castle, so poking around the haunted and dilapidated west wing is very unwise.

The door knocker looks like it could come alive and BITE YOU. Go to the library, bitch!

Oh look, a floating magical rose. Let's take off its protective cover and fuck with it. That sounds like a great idea!

What have I learned from this exchange? If you get kidnapped, just do everything your kidnapper expressly forbids, and he will demand that you get out.

The Beast saves her from wolves, but what was he doing out there in the first place? Yep. Following her. Chasing her down, more like it. You made a deal, Belle! Back to the castle with you!

How did she get the Beast on Philippe?

Water on the cuts hurts more than him licking it? He's a pussy.

"Thank you for saving my life. Even though you were obviously following me in an attempt to catch me and bring me back to be a prisoner."

Hey Gaston, have you noticed Belle isn't around? Look, you're even inside her house and no one is home. Maybe Maurice was on to something.

The Beast was a prince. Even though he was ten years old, he still would have been taught table manners and how to eat with a spoon.

Hey, it's the Stockholm Syndrome song!

I'd give Disney a million dollars to reanimate this scene with the Beast eating the bird that just jumped into his paws.

The new song. I'm ambivalent toward it.

Cogsworth opens his door both ways. WINK.

She read Romeo and Juliet and ended it with a smile. Clearly, she didn't understand the story. Also, the Beast is a fucking prince who can't read??

If you ever watched this movie and found it dumb that the Beast is so nervous around a girl, keep in mind that the last time he was human, he was ten years old. It all makes sense now.

They don't say how much time has passed, but it's been a while, right? Maurice has been wandering around in the woods for a few weeks at least. He's in pretty good shape, considering. Wouldn't it have made more sense for Belle to bring her dad back to the Beast's castle? He has about a thousand servants, I'm sure there's at least five who know medicine better than she does. Also, CASTLE. Beast, go with her and fuckin' help, then bring them both back.

"Here, Belle. Let me encourage your horse to run faster by roaring in the most horrific way possible."

Good plan, Belle. Wander around and yell "papa" until you stumble upon your father's body. Good thinking.

Belle thinks it's funny that Chip is in her bag. Does she not know that he's Mrs. Pots' child, and must be missed at the castle?

Maurice, you might not want to go prancing around in the middle of a mob that wants to haul you off to the insane asylum.

Gaston has never even heard of the Beast before this moment. Why do the townspeople suddenly accept him as an expert on the Beast even though Belle, who has actually met him, says otherwise?

Ten years ago, the ruling family of this area of France disappeared. All these townspeople are old enough to remember when this happened, and now they walk up to a haunted castle. 2+2=?

The Beast had a mirror that allows you to see whatever you want. Shouldn't Gaston and his crew assume the Beast has more magical stuff lying around? I'd be a little more careful if I were them.

JESUS CHRIST, POSSESSED FURNITURE!!

If the average person broke into a haunted castle and was attacked by sentient furniture, I'm pretty sure they'd run away as fast as possible, not stay and try to fight it.

Cogsworth is awesome!

Gaston just busted this thing off the side of the castle and now wants to club the Beast with it? How much damage could it really do if he was able to just snap it off?

Get a haircut, Gaston.

Gaston and the Beast are fighting over Belle. Maybe they should ask her what she wants.

Belle calls him "Beast." He's got to have a proper name. Since he's French it's probably Louis or Charles of Philip or something. He's about to turn into a person, so she'll no longer be able to call him "Beast." What's his REAL name?! (According to IMDB, the Beast's real name is Adam. That's not very French. I'm going to rename him Louis.)

SHE JUST WATCHED HIM TRANSFORM MAGICALLY FROM A BEAST INTO A MAN, WHY DOES SHE NEED TO STARE INTO HIS EYES FOR CONFIRMATION????

Gross, get a room.

Everyone else is being magically transformed. Shouldn't the Beast get some new clothes or at least some freakin' shoes?

Mrs. Potts is like 80 years old, and her son Chip is like 8. WTF.

Have I mentioned how awesome Cogsworth is?

Yes Chip, you still have to sleep in the cupboard. Where you belong.

The End!