Zombie Preparedness

I like Dr. Who.

A lot.

Jake doesn't like Dr. Who, and I think it bothers him that I watch it so much. He's started watching a show he knows I'll hate, in retaliation!

The Walking Dead.

I hate zombie movies. Name a zombie movie, and I hate it. Jake knows this, but he thinks it's funny to give me nightmares and get me riled about what would happen if zombies really did begin an infestation on a global scale.

I have a Zombie Preparedness Plan in place. It's foolproof.

The first step to this plan is to have lots of guns before the zombies attack. The first thing everyone is going to do is raid gun stores, and I don't want to be in the middle of that shit. I hate Black Friday, and I think Zombie Day would be about 100 times more intense. So we're going to have a basement full of guns and ammo before Zombie Day.

Step two is to commandeer and occupy a Costco or Sam's Club. The Costco we have a membership with is a nigh impenetrable fortress. It has no windows. There are a lot of doors, but only one of those is really usable. The others don't even have handles on the outside, so it would be pretty hard for a zombie to open it. Also, there's a ton of stuff inside that we could barricade those doors with. The one real door is easily defendable because it has a STORM SHUTTER that can be lowered over it.

Costco is zombie-proof.

I'm sure there are other places that would be more easily defendable than Costco, but those other places probably don't have all the other stuff Costco has.

Namely, toilet paper.

Toilet paper is going to be worth its weight in gold during the zombie apocalypse, and I'm going to have an enormous stockpile of it. I don't think I'm going to sell it to other people, though, since I need all the TP I can get for myself.

I may send out raiding parties, only instead of bringing back gasoline, they're going to bring back toilet paper.

"Give me your toilet paper, and I'll walk away."

Oh yeah and there's some food there, too. Whatever.

Costco can sustain me and Jake and Camille until the zombies get sorted. I don't know if you know this, but zombies have short lives. They're dead, right? Reanimated corpses. Well, corpses aren't the most durable of objects. Plus, I'm pretty sure Costco sells machetes or something.

So, here's how you survive a zombie apocalypse:

Step 1: guns.

Step 2: Costco.

Step 3: Profit.

Feel free to borrow my Zombie Preparedness Plan, but you stay the hell away from my Costco and my TP.